The Secret of Yuki Nagato
by AllenP3989
Summary: It has been a year since the events of "Disappearance". Kyon is doubting his decision, and Yuki is concerned about him, but unsure how to proceed. She fears revealing a dangerous secret, one that could unravel the universe. Sequel to "Perspective of Yuki Nagato". Read and Review, please.
1. Doubt and Guilt

"I swear, if the Data Integration Thought Entity does anything to you, Nagato, I'll change the world again." I was almost shaking with anger. The Entity couldn't delete Nagato. I wasn't going to let them, not without a fight! "I'll have Haruhi make a world where you exist, and the Data Integration Thought Entity doesn't. I don't care if we have to overthrow the universe, we'll get you back!"

I gripped Nagato's hand tightly. It was so small, and so cold, it was like ice…no, that's not right. Like snow. Yuki.

I looked at her, "No matter what happens, I won't let the Entity delete you. You can tell that to your superiors."

But then something strange happened. Nagato's face, rather than the stoic look it normally displayed, had become sad. Her expression seemed to hold all the sadness in the world. And I saw a tear running from her left eye. I just gaped. Who was this girl?

"Thank you." And then something else, said so quietly it was almost inaudible: "I love you, Kyon."

I was bewildered. This world's Nagato never expressed emotions so openly (and never called me by name). In fact, this would be surprising coming from the version of Nagato in the other world, given what she was saying. And yet, for some reason it felt like the most natural thing in the world. As did my response.

"I love you too, Yuki," I said, embracing her. And as she looked up at me, I could see she was smiling through her tears. That shouldn't happen in this world, should it? But I was past caring. That look on her face, which was simultaneously the saddest and most beautiful sight I could remember seeing, pushed any other thoughts from my mind. At that moment I only wanted to hold her like this until the end of the world.

I don't know how long we embraced, but it was Yuki who broke it, stepping away suddenly. "I'm sorry, Kyon. It is beginning." Her face still had that tearful smile. But something was wrong. She was disintegrating, much as Asakura had when Nagato defeated her. But her body was turning to snow, and being blown away on the wind. I found myself frozen, unable to do anything. I could only watch as her body disappeared. Her last words, before disappearing entirely, haunted me. "I still love you, Kyon."

And then as she disappeared, I was suddenly unfrozen. I sank to my knees in despair, and sorrow, and rage. I was aware of screaming, and weeping, and of being totally consumed by my own misery.

No, no, no, no…

And then I woke up.

Yes, it was a dream.

Thank goodness it was only a dream.

Despite the freezing temperature in my room, I was covered in sweat, which only made it worse. I found myself shivering. It was December again, almost a year since Nagato remade the world. It was so cold. And as I lay there, unable to get back to sleep because of my discomfort, I thought about what just happened.

There's a huge knot in my stomach. I feel almost nauseous from the dream. It's become more common lately. I'm not normally the kind of person who reads a lot into dreams, but when one keeps forcing its way into my mind this persistently, even I have to take notice. And ever since that time in closed space with Haruhi, I've never been able to be quite sure when something is "just a dream".

Now where did that come from? Why did I dream the same thing, every night? It was such a strange dream, and an unlikely one. I mean, sure I cared about Nagato, but I could never think of her like _that_, could I? And I was pretty sure that Nagato cared about me, but surely not in the way she did in the dream. It was too unbelievable. Maybe that's just my disturbed mind playing tricks on me. But one part of the dream makes sense to me. The guilt.

It actually started for a perfectly selfish reason on my part. Haruhi had done something, a few months ago, which I can't remember now, that had made me especially angry. I had gone home fuming, annoyed at Haruhi and the incessant demands she made of everyone in the SOS Brigade. But I realized I couldn't complain, could I? The dreams started soon after. I'm sure it's connected.

Because I chose this world, with all its craziness. I chose a world with our insane Brigade Leader who has godlike powers that could destroy the universe, espers, time travelers, and the Data Integration Thought Entity. Unfortunately, I didn't quite think through the consequences beforehand. I know, surprising, right?

For one, I didn't quite think through whether, even if I was okay with Haruhi's crazy world, everyone else was. Was Miss Asahina okay with Haruhi's daily molestations? Was Koizumi okay with constantly having to deal with closed space (even if it had become less frequent recently)? Was it even good for Haruhi, to be surrounded by people who would bow to her every whim (although I occasionally stood up to her)? Wasn't that stunting her personality? An important part of growing up, for a normal human being, is realizing that the world doesn't revolve around you, that there are other people who matter as much as you do. But the problem was that in Haruhi's case, the world actually _did_ revolve around her.

And as for Nagato, I think I already have her answer to that question. Of course she wasn't okay with Haruhi's world. If she was, she wouldn't have gone to all the trouble and risk of rewriting it, would she? But why did she leave the escape program, especially knowing what she did could lead to her being deleted if the Data Integration Thought Entity did come back?

After the change was reversed, the Entity was apparently considering that Nagato was too dangerous to be allowed to continue existing in this world. Internal errors, it had said. Those "errors", are, I believe, Nagato's emotions, but because the Entity made her with an incomplete personality, she couldn't express them in any normal way. So she concealed it behind the wall of her almost expressionless demeanor, until she finally couldn't deal with it any more, and decided to change the world. After repeating the same summer 15,000 times, and being told not to do anything about it because she should only observe, any normal human would have gone crazy. And at least Nagato had left a way to bring the world back to the way it was. Her bosses had no right to delete her, when they bore so much of the responsibility for everything that happened.

And I wasn't about to allow that to happen as long as there was something I could do to prevent it. Luckily, I had one huge trump card on the Entity: John Smith. If I told Haruhi that I had been the high school student who helped her write her Tanabata message, I could whip her into a complete frenzy, even cause her to remake the universe. The Entity doesn't want that to happen. So when I threatened to have Haruhi remake the universe if Nagato was deleted, the Entity backed off.

But that still didn't explain why Nagato left an escape program in the first place. If she was so determined to change the world, why allow it to be undone like that? And why leave that choice to me, and only me? I had to tell myself that it must have been because Nagato just wasn't sure of her decision, and for some reason she trusted my judgment about it. In that case, had that trust been justified? Or had I screwed up massively? But even that was avoiding the possibility that I was afraid of, and yet also sort of hoped for. It couldn't be that I was special to her somehow, could it? That she had left me a choice, purely for my sake?

I mean, it wasn't unreasonable to think that I might prefer Nagato's world, given how much I complained about Haruhi's world, and I had even considered giving up at one point and remaining in the altered world. Was it just a coincidence that the world Nagato created happened to be one that most reasonable people would think I preferred? But what did that say about Nagato, and how similar she was to that girl I met in the altered world?

And I really did feel bad for Nagato. After all, all she had really wanted was a normal life. Was that so unreasonable? And I can't forget how hurt the alternate version of Nagato looked when I told her that I would be returning to my own world. All I could do was to try to remind myself that that wasn't the real Nagato. Was she? I mean, she was so different from the Nagato I knew. And hadn't Nagato told me, in the message she left on the computer to activate the escape program, that she "wasn't herself"? But then again, I suppose that can have multiple meanings. The other version of Nagato didn't have most of the memories of the original, except for one. Sure, she still loved to read, but what else did they have in common? Also, there were some things about her I couldn't imagine being part of the Nagato I know. Besides being able to smile and to cry, the other world's Nagato seemed to have a crush on me, which didn't seem at all like the Nagato I know.

But then again, when you get right down to it, how much did I know about Nagato? It was almost impossible to know her. To most people, she seemed completely devoid of any human emotion. I was able to pick up on a few subtle expressions of her emotions, but even I found her mysterious most of the time. Who knew for sure what was behind that stoic expression? For some reason, I think about the time I told her she looked cuter without glasses, and how she had opted not to recreate the glasses. How, when Haruhi and I were trapped in closed space, she said that she desired my return. How, when I fell asleep in the clubroom after retrieving the space heater for Haruhi, Nagato placed her cardigan over me before going home.

But even if she had just left that escape program purely out of devotion to me, that didn't mean Nagato had fallen for me, did it? I don't know, once again, I just couldn't think of her in that way. Don't get me wrong, she's really cute (especially without glasses), but…she's Nagato. She was too otherworldly. I could think of her as my ally, my savior, even a great goddess intervening to protect the universe from the wrath of Haruh, but…my girlfriend? If anything, all of the former almost rules out the latter. I mean, it would be almost like I was desecrating something sacred. So if I was in denial about liking Nagato in that way, it was for a perfectly understandable reason.

And the thing that I was afraid of was that, if the Nagato in the other world was the Nagato I knew, or a part of her, then did that mean that the heartbroken look she gave me when I returned the Literary Club form…was that how the Nagato in this world felt, and she just couldn't express it? And what was worse was that, even if she could, there happens to be one major obstacle in the way: Her Obliviousness, Haruhi Suzumiya, Unknowing Creator, Ruler, and Potential Destroyer of the Universe.

Because, while Haruhi treats me like the Brigade Lackey (actually, I'm pretty sure that's my official title at this point), I know for a fact that _she_ has a thing for me. And that nearly led to the universe getting destroyed, due to a misunderstanding with Miss Asahina. So, the chances are that if Haruhi saw me in any sort of relationship with Nagato, then we'd probably end up seeing impenetrable closed space, Celestials, and the proverbial End of the World as We Know It. The Nagato I know would never risk any of that, so whatever she felt, if it seemed like it was going to get Haruhi riled up, she would hide it. And that's all because I chose a world where Haruhi can rewrite the universe at will.

So if all of that's true, then I didn't just take away Nagato's chance to have a normal life, though a lot of people would think that was bad enough: I broke her heart as well.

And although I have no right to, I'm feeling sorry for myself. If that reason for Nagato leaving the escape program, that I find so hard to believe, is the real reason, then what did I give up, just because I thought Haruhi's world was more interesting? It's not often that you would find someone who would remake the world for you, and then give you a choice of what world you preferred. I don't know if that's happened to any human before. Did I throw that away all because I was addicted to the crazy adventures I had in this world?

So what am I supposed to do now? I can hardly talk to Nagato about it, can I? Would she even answer? And it seems presumptuous of me to assume that she left that escape program because she...felt a certain way about me, doesn't it? I would be embarrassed if I said all that to her, and then it turned out I was completely wrong. And if it was true, and the Nagato I knew was the scared, heartbroken girl from the other world, what was I supposed to say to her? How could I explain my actions? "Sorry, Nagato, but I thought your world was boring, and Haruhi's world was more exciting, so I rejected it all for the thrills"? If I said that, if she doesn't already hate me for what I did, that would surely seal the deal.

But that's me being selfish, again. If knowing what motivated me to change the world back to the way it was makes Nagato hate me, then I suppose I deserve it. Given the effect my decision had on her existence, she has a right to know the reason for it.

So I'll bring it up, as soon as possible. Tomorrow, if the circumstances are right. I realize with a start that tomorrow is the 17th of December. Just one day shy of a year since Nagato remade the world. On the one hand, it brings up a sort of superstitious dread, almost as if I'm tempting fate. I guess it's appropriate, in a way, though. And while I'm sort of afraid of the possible results of what I'm planning to do, it's also sort of a relief to know that whatever's been bothering me will be resolved, for better or worse, soon.

**Author's Note:** Well, here goes. Preparing to depart from canon is difficult, as it leads into the terra incognita of writing my own plot. All constructive reviews appreciated.


	2. The Concern of Yuki Nagato

I am standing on the roof of the medical facility where Kyon is recovering from the injuries he sustained on December 18. He has made his warning to the Entity, and I have transmitted. I express gratitude. Later, I tell him that it will have negative consequences for his physical state if he remains outside in the current temperature. This is only part of the actual reason. I have an ulterior motive. As he leaves, I offer him his coat, which he has temporarily given to me, but he refuses. When Kyon has re-entered the building, I remain outside.

The snow begins to fall more heavily now, obscuring ambient noise.

I utter the words which can never be said directly to Kyon, because of their destabilizing implications.

"Kyon," I say to the silence around me, "I love you."

This memory is important to me.

364 days have passed since the "incident" in which I appropriated Haruhi Suzumiya's powers, and recreated the universe. Since then, as I have predicted, unprogrammed data (emotions?) have continued to accumulate in my system.

The Data Integration Thought Entity considers this dangerous. I am not certain if I agree or not.

My superiors have not followed through on the threat of deletion thus far because they do not wish to provoke a negative reaction from Kyon. Kyon promised that he would provoke Haruhi Suzumiya to potentially catastrophic actions if I was deleted. As a result, I have been allowed to continue to exist, despite the misgivings of my superiors.

I am grateful to Kyon.

And if my understanding of the changes in my internal state, and how they relate to human emotions is correct, I also love Kyon. This is why I left an escape program when I remade the world. That is why I was unable to alter his memories to force him to accept the altered world. While I did not have an aversion to altering everything else in the universe, I could not bring myself to alter Kyon. Nor could I force him to continue living in that world if he rejected it. I did not make it effortless to activate the escape program, but I knew that if Kyon was determined to return to this world, he would be able to activate the escape program in time.

I am not certain when or why this change in my internal state began. However, I believe that this began when he assisted me in making a library card. That is why I chose that memory as the one that my alternate self would retain, when I remade the world.

My alternate self displayed this emotion, if that is what it is, more openly, but from the memories I have retained, this seems to have confused Kyon, more than anything else. I am unsure why this fact causes me internal distress.

I had hoped...that he might choose the world I made. And also...I had hoped that he might grow closer with the version of myself that existed in that world. It was not unreasonable to surmise that he might prefer the world without Haruhi Suzumiya's powers, or the Data Integration Thought Entity. Many things which happened in this world caused him severe internal distress. I am not certain of the reasons which caused him to prefer this world. There are reasons that I hope are true. And my time as a human was...unexpectedly difficult. It surprises me that humans are able to live in the manner that they do.

I sometimes hope that one of the reasons that Kyon preferred this world...was that he recognized the distress that my other self suffered, and wished to alleviate it. "I like the way you were better than the way you are now." When I first reflected upon this statement, I believed that Kyon meant that I was more useful as an interface. This should not cause internal distress, given that I should not have expected someone who only knew me as an interface to think of me...differently, especially given my lack of normal human traits, such as facial expressions indicating emotional states. But he did something which surprised me. Kyon challenged the Data Integration Thought Entity. And he lent me his coat. It is strange that this latter gesture affected me as it did. But the knowledge that he would expose himself to physical discomfort, to alleviate my own...allows me to know that he cares about me, at least as one human cares about another.

This comforts me. Because, as illogical and distressing as it, I cannot stop loving Kyon.

But I can never express this to him directly . It is likely that this would result in the destabilization of Haruhi Suzumiya. That would be even more dangerous than if I were to become unstable.

Even if Haruhi Suzumiya did not rewrite reality, it is likely that the Entity would determine that the risks of allowing my continued existence outweigh the risks of deleting me. If the Entity decides to delete me, it is likely that Kyon's declaration would make him a target of the Entity. While that is unlikely at present, due to the high risk that, if the Entity succeeded in eliminating Kyon, it would destabilize Haruhi Suzumiya, the balance of risk would change if my own actions contributed to that outcome. If it changes to such an extent that the Entity judges the risks of deleting me and terminating Kyon to be less than the risks of my instability or of my actions destabilizing Haruhi Suzumiya, I will be deleted. And the Entity will devote all of its resources to eliminating Kyon. So to protect Kyon, I cannot allow any potentially destabilizing indication of my internal state to be perceived.

For this reason I cannot allow my internal state to be made apparent to those around me. So far, there is no indication that Emiri Kimidori or any other interface is aware of these facts. Nor are most humans with whom I interact. I have surmised that Kyon may notice subtle expressions of certain emotions on my part, but so far no evidence exists that conclusively indicates a threat of instability. Since I was not made to express human emotions, my spontaneous expressions are necessarily limited. It is better this way. Since this data, whether it is a collection of system errors, or emotion, is dangerous, it is best that my expressions are not easily interpreted by humans. No one, not even Kyon, can surmise this most dangerous error based on my expressions alone. Occasionally, I find myself affected by an impulse to tell him about this change in my internal state, but I quickly dismiss the possibility. I can accept that this is what must be, if I am to avoid unthinkable consequences.

However, some data on Kyon's internal state concerns me. His internal state has had a consistently higher level of distress over the course of the last 82 days, than before. I am unsure of the cause of this.

This internal distress has implications for my internal state. Due to the unprogrammed data in my system, my own internal state is influenced by my assessment of Kyon's internal state. This is not rational. However it is undeniable. This reaction is consistent with my hypothesis concerning my attitude towards Kyon. I have surmised that when a human loves another, their emotional state becomes linked, to varying degrees, to their assessment of the emotional state of the one they love. That would appear to be the case in this situation.

Because of this, I have become actively engaged in determining the causes of Kyon's emotional state. When Haruhi Suzumiya is present, the majority of my faculties are necessarily engaged in observation of her state. That is my primary purpose as far as my superiors are concerned, and functioning effectively in that role reduces the probability that I will be deleted. However, when Haruhi Suzumiya is not present, and I have transmitted the relevant data to my superiors, I devote my attention to Kyon's internal state. Although my awareness of his distressed internal state causes me internal distress, it is paradoxically reduced when we are in close proximity to each other, especially when other humans are not present. Therefore, my task is not onerous.

The idiosyncrasies of human personalities impede the task of determining the cause of a human's emotional state at any given time. In order to acquire the necessary data, it appears that it will be necessary to converse directly with Kyon. This is a dangerous solution. I risk revealing potentially destabilizing information. It is especially dangerous when conversing with Kyon, because he is more able than most humans to ascertain my internal state from my limited expressions. I consider consulting with my superiors concerning this course of action, but reject this. It will be my decision alone.

My opportunity arises on December 17, almost a year after the incident. Kyon and I are the only individuals left in the clubroom. I am aware that he is more internally distressed today than during previous days, and I am unsure of the cause. I notice that when he looks at me, his level of internal distress rises. Why is this? Am I provoking these negative reactions? The possibility causes me internal distress. It is at times like these that I wonder if it wouldn't be better for my system to be purged of the errors. And yet I find myself unable to even consider the possibility. It is similar to the impulse that prevented me from rewriting Kyon's memories when I altered the world. I feel that I would rather be deleted than to exist purged of these errors, despite the distress they cause.

Although it is provoking me to another potentially destabilizing action, I do not wish to stop loving Kyon.

Investigation commencing.


	3. Confessions

Nagato and I were the only ones left in the clubroom. Haruhi left already.

It seemed like it was colder this year than it was last year at this time. Even with the space heater on right behind me, I felt like I was going to freeze to death. Haruhi was planning another Christmas bash. I have to say, the hot pot cooking last year was excellent. I wonder what it will be like this year?

But I was distracting myself. I needed to talk to Nagato about something important. But resolving to do something, and actually doing it, are two entirely different things. I'm not even sure how to start.

I looked guiltily towards her. She was apparently calm, reading quietly like she always does. And yet I wondered how calm she really was. Although I can pick up on changes in her mood more easily than most people, I can't help that most of the time Nagato is a complete mystery to me. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, that whatever is going on in her head she can't let out like a normal human. Other times I envy her. After all, being able to remain inscrutable to others, to not be an open book, has to have its advantages sometimes, right?

And so I waited for the right moment. What right moment, you might ask? I'm not sure.

As the time got later, I became aware that I was being watched intently. Call it a sixth sense, or intuition. I looked up, and sure enough, Nagato was staring straight at me. For an insane moment, I hoped that she would look away suddenly and blush like she did in the other world. But then I remembered that I decided to get rid of that world, didn't I? This is turning out to be a fun day.

Nagato kept looking at me steadily. Then she said, out of the blue, "You are internally distressed." "What?" I asked, not quite sure what she was talking about. "When you looked at me, several factors related to human stress levels increased. Why?" What exactly should I say to that? I suppose this would be the time to talk to her about what's bothering me. But like I said, it's easier to think about than to actually do. "I'll never forgive you if you hurt Miss Nagato," Asakura had said in the other universe. That may not have been Nagato speaking, but I can't help but think that if I laid out all the events to Nagato, as I saw them, she would concur with Asakura's sentiment. If she hadn't already, that is.

"It's nothing. I'm just tired," I answered evasively. I'm not obviously lying, am I? "Your heart rate increased perceptibly when you said that," said Nagato evenly, "While an increased heart rate can be the result of several physical stressors in humans, the current context indicates that you are aware that your response was inaccurate." Damn. Apparently Nagato comes with a lie detector as well. I should have just been honest with her to begin with. I mean, I was planning to tell her about it, anyway, so why not get it out? Suddenly, I can sympathize with the way Nagato (the human version) felt when she brought me to her apartment, and told me about the time we first met in the library. Although the event she described would seem trivial to an outside observer, it was obviously important to her, and the knowledge that she had never thanked me was clearly eating her from the inside. And yet what's bothering me is much worse, isn't it?

Then Nagato did something really surprising. Not as surprising as when her other self smiled at me, but close. She got up from the chair in the corner where she normally sits, walked over to the table, and pulled out the chair directly across from me. She then sat down, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I surmise that we are 'friends' in human terms. So I expect you to respond accurately to my query. What is the actual cause of your internal distress?"

I think this is the first time that Nagato has said that we are friends. Considering that this is coming from someone for whom the word "friend" is probably as alien as I find her, this is flattering. Especially since a lot of people would say she has good reason to dislike me.

"Um..yeah, we're friends, Nagato. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. But the actual reason I'm feeling…distressed…is difficult for me to say. Especially because it involves you." Was she surprised by that? I couldn't help but think that her expression changed slightly.

"I see," she replied, her monotone at least consistent with all my past conversations with her. What am I supposed to say? Should I continue? In situations like this, I really wish Nagato was easier to read.

"It's…about what happened…when you changed the world."

* * *

When Kyon says the words "especially because it involves you", I am surprised. This is an error, but not likely to be a dangerous one in this case. I doubt that Kyon even notices this minute reaction. "I see," I reply, unsure of what else to add to that statement. I err on the conservative side, and say nothing more.

"It's…about what happened…when you changed the world," says Kyon, after a pause of 2.4 seconds. I am experiencing…what is the word? Excitement? Expectation? Apprehension, perhaps?

"I see," I reply a second time. Should I say more? Will it prompt or prevent a response? Eventually, I add, "Does it involve a negative response to my actions?" I ask.

Kyon looks surprised. "N-no. Not at all. It's just that…it's hard to explain…I feel like I might have made the wrong decision. I only considered what sort of world I preferred, I guess, what was more interesting to me. But I didn't think about how it affected everyone else. Miss Asahina, or Koizumi, or even Haruhi, or…" he seems to have trouble continuing "...or you, Nagato". I recognize his expression. It is one that occurred in the alternate world, when he first encountered the alternate version of myself. His actions caused a negative reaction from my alternate self, and this had caused him severe internal distress, detectable even without my data manipulation abilities. His internal distress levels are high. While they are not likely to be dangerous in his current state of health, I find myself affected by his obvious distress. My own internal distress levels increase significantly, though not to the same extent. "Please, calm down," I say. I do not normally make requests of this sort. If I intend to make a sentence imperative, I do not normally waste words on needless modifiers such as "please". But strangely, it seems important to do so in this case.

Kyon is silent for several moments before he continues. He eventually says, "But the reason why I didn't want to tell you this is that…I feel like you have the most reason of anyone here to hate me for it. All you wanted was a normal life, in a normal world, and you didn't want to have to spend your time saving it from whatever madness Haruhi called up. You deserved the chance to be like other people, to laugh, and cry, and shout when you needed to. And I took away that chance, because at the end of the day I'm an insane adrenaline junkie who actually enjoys this crazy world. And I can't help but think that if I were in your position, and you had done what I did, I would hate you for it. Am I wrong?"

This statement is revelatory. It explains all of his behavior. It is a major step forward for my investigation. But it causes me severe internal distress to realize that Kyon believed that I might 'hate' him, if I understand that implications of the word correctly. It takes me several seconds to process this information. But as the increase in internal distress passes, I become aware that I should respond. It takes me several seconds to compose a response. I want to somehow effect a reduction in Kyon's internal distress (apparently due, irrationally, to guilt), without revealing too much potentially dangerous information.

"I am sorry that these concerns have occupied your thought processes. When we first spoke to each other after the incident, you asked me why I had not sought your assistance in resolving the internal errors that led to my actions-"

"I don't think that they're errors, Nagato," he says, sounding tense.

I respond calmly, as I always do, "I was using the terms that I used when originally explaining my actions, to avoid confusion". He seems to accept this explanation. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Nagato," he says, "please continue".

"You asked me why I had not sought your assistance in resolving the internal errors that led to my actions. So it is incomprehensible to me that you did not converse with me directly at an earlier time, when the cause of your internal distress related directly to your assessment of my internal state. To address your concern, I do not 'hate' you. You did not 'take away' my opportunity to live a normal life. I chose to leave the emergency escape program, so I accepted the possibility that you might not choose the world that I created. Any responsibility that you have for activating the escape program, I share equally for making it."

I pause. My response is incomplete, but the changes in Kyon's facial expression indicate his desire to say something. He said, "But that's the thing I really don't get, Nagato. Why did you leave the escape program?" That question touches on dangerous information. It causes me internal distress that my response cannot be entirely accurate, when I had previously demanded intentional accuracy from Kyon. But I do not have a choice. In any case, the statement I make is not completely inaccurate, given my internal state at the time I remade the world:

"It is difficult to explain. I was aware that my internal state at the time I remade the world was unstable, so I may have been unsure of my decision. I trusted your judgment. I could not ascertain all the factors that may reasonably enter into such a decision."

"But, Nagato," Kyon replies, "it's just that I think a lot of things about that world _were _better. Haruhi couldn't destroy the world on a whim, for one thing. There were no endless summers, no 'aberrant' interfaces like Asakura, no cave cricket entities, no daily molestations of Miss Asahina…I could go on. I can't help but think that I screwed up this decision. And like I said, I made the decision I did mostly because I thought this world was more…fun. And looking back on it, I feel terrible about it. I almost feel like I betrayed your trust."

I am frustrated. My attempt to help Kyon without revealing dangerous information has led to an increase in his internal distress. I can tell from his expressions, and from his vital signs, that he is undergoing more severe distress than in extreme situations involving Haruhi Suzumiya. I try to justify his decision for him:

"There are justifications, from a human point of view, for choosing this world. You may have preferred Haruhi Suzumiya's world, because were it not for her unique abilities, none of the individuals that you know would exist, at least not in the state that you had become used to. To find them altered so dramatically could result in a severe shock to a human. I am sorry for this. Also, my own actions were taken without the consent of those affected by it. For example, the alterations I made to reality caused a complex being, the Data Integration Thought Entity, to cease to exist-"

Kyon interrupts again, "Nagato, your bosses, frankly, had it coming. They pushed you a lot further than anyone should be pushed, human or date life-form. Even if you were wrong in what you did, they bear at least as much responsibility as you do for what happened." He sounds angry. And defensive. This is strange to me, because he is not defending his own actions. In fact, his argument contributes to an indictment of his own actions. It is as if he desires to feel guilty.

"My point is that there are justifications, from what are widely accepted moral norms among humans, at least, for your actions," I say.

"That's very philosophical of you, Nagato," he says, "but I already told you, I wasn't thinking of anything so high-minded as the rights of data life forms when I made my decision. It was all because I've become…addicted, I guess…to the crazy stuff that happens in this world."

Unsuccessful. I am becoming desperate for some solution to this problem. I was not designed for this.

* * *

Okay, I wasn't completely oblivious to what was going on in front of me. It was obvious that _something_ was really bothering Nagato. While the changes in her expression were too minor for most people to notice, for me they were blatant. And I got the feeling that she was hiding whatever it was that bothered her from me. I was also thinking I might know what it is, but I wouldn't want to be so presumptuous as to ask about it outright.

Is it wrong that I felt a little bit resentful that she wasn't being honest with me? I thought Nagato, at least, was someone I could trust not to lie to me, which really wasn't something I wanted to have shaken. I mean, I'm pretty sure Koizumi isn't always honest with me. In fact, I know he's lied to me before, like when he claimed that our trip to the deserted island was not in any way organized by his Agency. And while Miss Asahina (this time-plane's version) seemed to just not have the information she often told me was "classified", I couldn't help but feel like her older version was very selective in what she told me, to get me to play the role that fate had apparently assigned to me. And Haruhi only seems to be frank with me because she doesn't care enough about my opinion to bother lying to me. But Nagato's always pretty blunt with the truth, which is one of the things I like about her.

"So, Nagato, is that the only reason? You weren't sure of your decision, so you trusted my judgment?"

After a few seconds, she replied, "No."

I couldn't help but think that she was struggling to get out that one, simple word. And that's when I realized that I was probably hurting her right then, just by interrogating her. I remembered how terrified the version of Nagato in the other world was made by my outburst. And it was because she had honestly not known what this apparently psychotic visitor was asking her about. By contrast, this version of Nagato was afraid because she knew exactly what I was asking about, but was convinced that it would be dangerous to tell me, at least if what I thought might be true was in fact the truth.

If I cared about her at all, I would back off about this. Maybe there are some things I'm just not supposed to know for sure. That seems to be the way things work in Haruhi's world, right?

"Nagato…" I started, trying to think of how to phrase this, "it's okay if you don't want to tell me exactly why you left me with a choice. You allowed me to choose. That's enough for me. And I'm sorry if anything I said, uh…caused you internal distress. That wasn't what I meant to do. I think I've done enough of that already."

I'm not really sure what to do. Nagato's expression isn't revealing anything to me. We're sitting for a minute, or so. I figure her silence means that the conversation is done with. "I…uh…I should probably go home now," I said, getting up. I really should get home. I've got a paper due tomorrow that's only half-done.

As I gathered up my bag, something happened that messed with my sense of reality. I heard Nagato say, with just the slightest hint of, I'm not sure, urgency in her voice, "Wait."

"Yes, Nagato?" I asked.

* * *

I see that Kyon was gathering his possessions, and is ready to leave. I should let him leave now. I barely avoided revealing dangerous information. That is only because Kyon chose not to continue with his line of questioning. I was unable to respond dishonestly to a direct question from him. And yet…I know that Kyon is not satisfied with the answer I have given. In fact, the answer that I did give has the potential to make him more distressed, because Kyon believes that he "betrayed" my trust.

And his last statement makes it clear that he is suffering more distress, because he believes that I am internally distressed, as a result of his questioning. And it is true that I am distressed, because I recognize his state. It's a positive feedback loop, that increases in intensity until the system buckles under the strain. This is why I should have avoided direct conversation. I am becoming unstable. I cannot control what happens next.

"Wait," I say, an alteration in my voice pattern betraying a slight degree of my internal distress.

"Yes, Nagato?" Kyon says.

"There is a reason why I do not resent your decision. Because it was important to me…that you should have a choice of what world you preferred. Your internal state, your…happiness…is important to me. Because…I love you, Kyon."

* * *

Several things:

One: Nagato has never, so far as I know, referred to me by name before. Whenever she was talking to me directly, it was understood. Come to think of it, has she ever talked about me in the third person?

Two: That has got to be the strangest leadup to a confession of love ever.

Three: The last two points are distractions my mind probably erected to prevent my sanity from collapsing under the shock of the most unbelievable part: Nagato was in love…with me? Okay, bear with me if you think I'm being obtuse. Just because I sort of suspected it, doesn't mean I actually expected her to say it, if you know what I mean. Even if it was true, I didn't expect her to state it so blatantly. So actually hearing it nearly floored me.

So please understand that however obvious it may seem to you, I was honestly surprised when Nagato said that she loved me, even taking into account my earlier suspicions.

But how I exactly was I supposed to respond? Now that my not-quite-theory has been confirmed, what do I do now? Like I said, I certainly didn't hate Nagato. I'm grateful to her for the times she's saved my life, and I probably trust her more than anyone else in the SOS Brigade. But I'd never considered the possibility. I mean, Nagato was just too otherworldly. If I were to say (even to myself) that I might feel a certain way towards her, it would seem completely ridiculous. And yet doesn't hearing her say it herself change something? The implausible, in an instant, suddenly became plausible. But I had to confirm something. Because in the back of my mind I was secretly thinking (dreading?) that Nagato, who apparently just decided to acknowledge that her "internal errors" might in fact be something else, something with more meaning, might be confused about what they meant, and her declaration was nothing more than a misunderstanding. And for some reason I couldn't quite identify, the thought that everything that had just happened was a misunderstanding was too terrible to contemplate.

* * *

Immediately, I was aware that the implications of this statement were potentially disastrous. It indicated that my internal state was not as stable as I had originally thought. I had, due to pressure presumably caused by my extra data (emotions), committed a serious breach of the directives of the Data Integration Thought Entity.

Secondly, I became aware that Kyon was looking at me with an expression indicating an extreme level of surprise.

It also occurred that if my words significantly influenced Kyon's actions, it would have potentially destabilizing effects on Haruhi Suzumiya that could lead to the destruction of this universe.

Damage control was my first priority.

"I should not have said that," I said.

"What?" Kyon asked, "Did you decide it wasn't accurate, or something?"

He almost looks disappointed.

"The statement was accurate."

I notice that his stress levels decrease with that statement.

"Are you sure you weren't, uh, confused about what you actually felt, Nagato? I mean, I'm sure that you have human emotions, but they're relatively new to you, so maybe…I don't know…you don't know quite how to interpret them?"

"I have researched the emotion I stated. At some point, my internal state became linked to my assessment of your internal state. To put it in human terms, your well-being became important to my own sense of well-being. For this reason, I was unable to cause myself to alter your memories when I changed the world, and I was compelled to allow you a way to return to this world. It is also because of this that I cannot…feel…negatively towards you, whatever my own preference may have been. The closest word to describe this emotion, if that is what this data is, is 'love'. That is the reason for my statement," I say.

"So why did you say that you shouldn't have said it?"

"The consequences of acting on this data would be extremely dangerous, because of its effects on Haruhi Suzumiya if she were to become aware of it. Also, it indicates that my internal state is becoming unstable."

Kyon suddenly looks alarmed, which is understandable in this circumstance.

"Nagato, what do you mean 'unstable'? As in 'about to remake the world' unstable?"

"No," I reply, "my internal state is not nearly that extreme. However, it was imperative that I avoid expressing any such emotion to you, because of the potential consequences. That I have malfunctioned in this manner is dangerous to the Entity."

"Do your bosses know about it, yet?" he asks sharply. "No," I say, "this conversation is private, and I have not disclosed its contents to my superiors."

"Then don't do it," Kyon says, "Don't let them know that you, uh, slipped up and said something I wasn't supposed to hear. And Nagato, it's normal, if you really feel something strongly, to accidentally say it when you don't mean to. Humans do it all the time."

"But I am not human," I say simply, "and there is something to tell you about humanoid interfaces that is relevant to this situation."

"I'm listening," Kyon responded.

* * *

So what was this important fact about humanoid interfaces that Nagato needed to share with me?

She began, "You have observed that different interfaces have different levels of ability in expressing human emotions. Ryoko Asakura was the most advanced in this respect, as she could blend perfectly with humans."

Until she went completely psycho, of course.

"And Emiri Kimidori has somewhat more imitative capacity than myself, though not nearly to the same degree as Ryoko Asakura."

I had noticed that.

"I am, in that respect, the least advanced unit."

Why does it hurt to hear Nagato say that?

"And you are unsure why the Entity made me in this state,"

Yeah, I wanted to give them a piece of my mind about it.

"It is because the ability to imitate humans effectively has an inverse relationship with an interface's stability. The more 'human' an interface becomes, the more likely it is that the interface will develop what the Entity deems 'malfunctions'. Other factors, such as the development of internal distress due to external causes, also have an effect."

Nature and nurture, basically. Asakura was more "human" by nature, and thus more prone to "instability" (that's a mild way of putting it!) But it also seemed that Nagato was hinting that if a humanoid interface was exposed to stressful circumstances, that could also speed up the development of "instability". Like dealing with Haruhi's summer vacation activities for centuries on end, for example.

"So…what you're saying, Nagato, is that you were made the way you are because that way you would be less likely to crack under pressure? So even after repeating the summer fifteen thousand times, you didn't immediately do something drastic, and you even left a way to reverse it." That at least makes more sense than making her a silent, melancholy girl who sits alone and reads books all day just so that Haruhi would consider her a plausible "silent character". But I still don't like it.

"That is correct. This is why Ryoko Asakura became unstable after only three years of observation with disappointing results. She was naturally more capable of imitating humans, and so became destabilized more quickly by human emotions. By contrast, it has taken significantly longer in my case. But even a limited capacity for imitating humans ultimately leads to instability. That I have begun to express even a small measure of human emotion is potentially dangerous in its implications."

"But it doesn't have to be! Humans live with emotions every day and don't go crazy like Asakura! And you haven't remade the world since that incident a year ago. Doesn't that mean that you can control yourself, even with emotions?"

"I am…worried," Nagato said.

"Why, Nagato?" I asked.

"Because before this point, I was able to suppress any significant outward expressions of human emotion, and in so doing avoid presenting evidence of instability. That I have been unable to do this could, if discovered by another interface, lead the Data Integration Thought Entity to re-evaluate the risks posed by instability on my part. If it determines that the risks of my deletion are outweighed by the risks of my instability, it will proceed with my deletion."

Now I was angry again. "You can tell them the same thing you did last time, that-"

She cut me off, "If the Data Integration Thought Entity decided to delete me, it would also attempt to terminate you, to prevent you from provoking Haruhi Suzumiya. However, even if it succeeded, there are significant risks to that course of action, which only the radicals consider acceptable. But if the balance of risk changes, certain members of the majority faction may reconsider their position, and risk causing Haruhi Suzumiya to rewrite the universe without the Data Integration Thought Entity, by terminating you, rather than the near certainty that you would cause her to rewrite the universe without the Entity if allowed to survive after my deletion. The question is the likelihood that I will become severely unstable, to an extent that it would threaten the Entity's existence, and also whether my existence threatens to destabilize Haruhi Suzumiya."

What I gather from this speech is that I don't quite have the Entity over a barrel, and so Nagato still had to be cautious. And if the other interfaces like Kimidori found out she was acting on human emotions, that would up the perceived danger level posed by her existence.

And since the Incident, and my threat to the Entity, she's not only been fearing for her own existence, but mine as well. How am I supposed to respond? What can I say? I feel like an idiot for not realizing any of this sooner.

I can't control what I say next. I really screwed up, after all, didn't I?

"Nagato…I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it was like for you. Dammit, this is my fault, isn't it? I did this do to you, didn't I?" my voice suddenly rising to a fever pitch. Suddenly all my guilt and doubt is coming out at once.

But I don't have time to wallow in my guilt, because at that moment I realize that something is definitely not right with Nagato.

* * *

I realize that Kyon has become more distressed than before. This isn't what I wanted! I wanted to help him, not make his situation worse. I realize that the instability in my system is rising exponentially. The errors are propagating, as they did before, almost a year ago. Only now the release is more likely to be uncontrolled.

"I am…becoming unstable, Kyon." I do not know why calling him by name comforts me, but it does. He appears alarmed, though, and suddenly rises from his seat, coming over to my side of the table. He takes my hands in his, like he did that evening on the rooftop of the hospital, and I stand up, accidentally knocking over the chair in which I am sitting. I realize that with this rise in instability, I risk causing severe disruption to the world. More distressingly, I risk harming Kyon. This is why these errors in my system are dangerous. And yet, I cannot contemplate continuing to exist without them. I now know what I must do.

"This is why my existence is dangerous. I do not know if this instability results from internal errors, or human emotions. I only know that I was not made to cope with them. I cannot stop loving you, but if I become unstable, I may harm you, or others. I am endangering everyone by continuing to exist in this state. I only have one option that I can accept. I must self-destruct."

I see his eyes widen to the furthest degree possible, and his face displays extreme emotion. I'm sorry, Kyon.

"No…look at me, Nagato! I'm not going to let you kill yourself because of something I did. I couldn't live with that…because I love you too, Yuki!"

And then he draws me into a tight embrace, and kisses me.

I do not care whether the unprogrammed data in my system results from errors, or emotions. I never want this to end.

* * *

I have to admit I was acting completely on impulse when I kissed Yuki. Of course, this situation was somewhat familiar. When Haruhi and I were trapped in closed space, I somehow convinced her not to depart from this universe by kissing her. At that time, it had been a desperate, last-ditch attempt to keep the universe from being destroyed. But there was more to it than that when I kissed Yuki. Because I loved her, and in that one moment, the worst thing in the world to me was the thought of being apart from her. When she returned the embrace, squeezing just hard enough to indicate her approval, I somehow knew that, for now at least, she would be okay.

As we broke apart from the kiss, but still held onto each other, she said:

"I am stabilizing."

Good. So I at least did something right. I hold onto her, though, afraid that if I let go of her, she might disappear like she did in the dream. I could never let that happen.

Then Yuki inclined her head, looked me in the eyes, and says, "Was your statement accurate?"

Dumbly, I replied, "What?"

"When you said that you loved me. Was it because you thought that it would stabilize my internal state, or because it was what you actually felt?"

I'm not quite sure what to say. It hadn't occurred to me that Yuki would need to be convinced that I loved her. But then again, maybe she assumes that, because I rejected her world, that I didn't return her love. And it hurts me to know that because it has a hint of accuracy. But I love her now, or maybe I just figured it out recently. But how can I explain? I mean, even to me it seems really abrupt. But...I do feel that way. I just didn't let any of this come to the fore of my mind because it seemed so impossible. But at this moment, I feel almost like I'm explaining as much to myself as to Yuki why I feel the way I do.

"Yuki…you saved my life when Asakura tried to kill me. You created a normal world, free of the madness of Haruhi's world, but loved me enough to let me choose the world I preferred. And even when I gave up that world, you still loved me. What more could anyone ask? How could I not love you, after all that? But," I said, not sure if I should finish, then suddenly not caring, "I stand by what I said before. You definitely look cuter without glasses."

I'm vaguely aware of her pulling away slightly. Oh, good job, I say to myself, I said something stupid, and now I've offended her. Can't I avoid screwing anything up?

But rather than pulling away entirely, she lifts her right arm through the gap between us and reaches around my shoulder, letting her soft hand come to rest on the back of my neck. She gently motions my head downward, allowing our lips to meet again.

* * *

When our second kiss ends, Kyon's hands still on my shoulders, I realize that I am more content than I have ever been. But rationally, I know that what we have just done is dangerous. It is the potentially destabilizing behavior (if it comes to the attention of Haruhi Suzumiya) that I feared would result from speaking to Kyon. And yet did some unacknowledged part of my being not desire this? Is it possible that it anticipated this outcome from my actions, and welcomed it? I cannot know.

* * *

When we pull apart from the embrace, Yuki just looks at me for a few minutes. She's still as difficult to read as ever. But then again, I chose her this way, didn't I? No matter what she says, I don't think I can ever help but feel a little guilty when I think about that, because I know that there must be times that Yuki wants to show emotions like a human. But even if this version of Nagato is inscrutable compared to the version in the other world, there's still the fact that this is the person who saved me from Asakura, who left the escape program, and who loves me despite my decision. While it pains me to say it, I still like her better the way she is.

"We have a serious problem," she says evenly.

Tell me about it. We just opened up a Pandora's Box of potential problems, didn't we? But despite all that, even if I were given the chance to go back and change what we just did, I wouldn't do it. Because loving Yuki, and being loved by her, is something that I can never give up now, even if I tried.

"Yeah, I know," I reply, for lack of anything better to say.

"If Haruhi Suzumiya becomes aware of this, there is a high likelihood that she will become unstable again. And the probability of her recreating the universe would be even higher than during the incident with Mikuru Asahina."

I imagine it might.

"We should not have done this. If we continue with this course of action, it raises the risk of destabilizing Haruhi Suzumiya."

"That's crap!" I say, a little more sharply than I intend. Although I can't see any visible reaction from Nagato, I can't help but feel that I made her wince a little inside. I'm sorry, Yuki.

"What I mean, Yuki, is that we can't just ignore this because we're afraid of what Haruhi might do if she found out. She can't just have everybody constantly bending to her desires. If we do that, we'll just be making her into a spoiled child with godlike powers. It's not fair to us, and it's not even fair to her. That's why it's important to stand up to Haruhi when she becomes unreasonable. But I think she's learning to accept that things won't always go her way. She's different now than she was when we trapped in closed space together."

"That is not the only obstacle. There is also the assessment of my superiors if they became aware of what we are doing. If they perceive that the risk of destabilizing Haruhi Suzumiya is increased by my actions, they may reassess the relative risks of my deletion."

Dammit. I hadn't thought of that. How could I be so selfish, to make Nagato risk deletion just because I was suddenly feeling passionate for once in my cynical life?

"You're right," I say resignedly, "I don't want you to be deleted. I couldn't make you take that risk-"

She cuts me off, "That is not the reason that the risk is unacceptable to me. It is because if I am deleted, you will become a target of the Entity. I cannot accept that outcome."

Oh. So that's the reason. I'm touched that Yuki cares about me so much. But wait, I should get to decide what risks I want to take with my life, shouldn't I? And I'm crazy enough to take that risk. Hell, I chose Haruhi's world, didn't I? I probably raised my risk of dying prematurely by 500% right there! What I say is:

"Yuki…isn't that my choice, if I want to take that risk? You said that you left the escape program…because you loved me. So if you could accept what I did then, can you accept that I'm willing to take this risk now? But if you are afraid of being deleted, please be honest. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I wouldn't have any right to criticize you for that, especially after all you've done for me. If you increased your risk of being deleted just because you thought I wanted to be reckless, I would deserve what Asakura tried to do-"

"Do not say that," Yuki says.

"But it's true," I reply. "I can't make you risk your own existence for what I might want. But if what you're afraid of is the risk to _my _life, then can you accept that I know the risk as well as you do? But I'm willing to accept that risk, if you're willing. Because I love you, Yuki."

Please don't let me sound like an idiot. Nah, too late.

Yuki turned her head downward, hiding her face from my eyes. I suddenly worry that what I said might have been the wrong thing to say at the moment. Please, don't let this make her unstable again…

Suddenly, she looks upward again, locking eyes with me as she steps closer, and reaches up, her hands just barely meeting behind my neck. I think I have my answer. As I lean down to kiss her, I wonder vaguely if we've just sealed our doom. But if we have, I just had the misfortune of going off and becoming the romantic type. I'll continue to love Yuki, even if I have to stand against the whole world, The Data Integration Thought Entity, or (most terrifyingly, if it comes to that) Haruhi herself.


	4. Acceptance

After that December the 17th, everything seemed different. If I didn't know better, I would think that Yuki changed the world again, in some subtle way, because everything seemed to take on a different quality, even the times we weren't together. Who couldn't look at the world differently, knowing Yuki Nagato was in love with him?

One of the more obvious things that changed was how I think of Yuki, starting with her name. Since we first met, I had always thought of her as "Nagato". I guess it seemed appropriate. Nagato is a strong name, and sort of makes one think of a battleship*. Yuki makes you think of something fragile and beautiful. And while I always thought Nagato was cute-looking, there was no way, prior to the incident when she changed the world, that I could think of her as being in any way fragile. And Nagato was still an appropriate name. If she got into a fight with a battleship, even if she didn't have her powers, I would be afraid for the sailors. But so was Yuki. It was something that I first suspected after she changed the world. And on that day almost a year later, I had seen that side of her for the first time, in this world at least.

When we are alone, I always call her Yuki, and I can't help but think of her that way in my private thoughts. But when other people are present, I still call her Nagato.

Part of this is prudence. I don't want anyone, human or interface, to suspect that anything has changed in our relationship, or that there's even a relationship between us, other than being fellow lackies of Haruhi Suzumiya. I don't want to cause Yuki to be deleted. Even if the Entity didn't come after me, I couldn't live with myself if I caused that.

And I want even less for Haruhi to find out, at least for now. I think that at some point, though, it's inevitable that she will. My hope is that she'll have grown enough as a person to accept that fact without destroying the universe. Even now she's changing. She isn't the same now as she was when the misunderstanding with me and Miss Asahina occurred.

While I don't agree with Koizumi about much (especially his fondness for withholding important information, or lying to me outright when it's convenient), I have to agree that Haruhi has changed for the better. I think I can at least take some of the credit for that, mostly because I'm the one member of the SOS Brigade who ever openly opposes Haruhi when I think she's wrong or has gone too far.

Nonetheless, I don't want to risk Haruhi finding out about me and Yuki right now. Besides the fact that something like that in itself could cause the Entity to delete Yuki if Haruhi pitched a fit over it, there's the possibility that Haruhi might indeed destroy the universe. And what's worse, she might drag me along with her. I don't hate Haruhi. That should be obvious from the fact that I chose a world where she has godlike powers. But if she destroyed and remade the world, and dragged me along to a world without Yuki, even unwittingly, I think I would.

Sometimes, when I think about our situation, it bothers me. On the one hand, Haruhi is part of the reason Yuki and I have to be discreet, although even without the threat of "destabilizing" Haruhi, I don't think the Entity would approve. On the other hand, it's my ability to get her stirred into a world-altering frenzy (because I'm John Smith) that serves as my trump card over the Entity. It's not exactly a Catch-22, but it's close.

As it is, Yuki and I have to incredibly careful. We can't let Haruhi, or one of the other interfaces, suspect that there is anything between us. This pretty much rules out Yuki's apartment as a meeting place, since Emiri Kimidori lives in the same building. I'm pretty sure she'd notice if I became a regular visitor there. And school's out of the question as well, given the fact of the other interfaces there, and Haruhi, along with all the people who could tell her if they saw Yuki and me together.

We don't meet anywhere in a consistent pattern. We only meet in places that aren't likely to see any North High students or inferfaces. Yuki always scopes out the place beforehand, and gives me a signal if it's safe to meet. Between planning our meetings, Brigade Activities, and school, we don't exactly get a lot of time to ourselves. Most of the time we spend together, however, is happy enough to make up for everything else.

But there are two episodes that were difficult, because they reminded us how distant Yuki and I were in nature. And yet, even these difficult moments I wouldn't give up for the world.

The first one that comes to mind actually happened during a Brigade Activity. Haruhi's second annual Christmas party.

Haruhi had made a hot pot again. Everyone was wearing the conical party hats that are apparently so important to celebrating Christmas. But Yuki was sitting in her corner, as her apparent "silent character" role dictated, reading as she usually did. It didn't seem right to me, that she should be completely left out. So I ladled out a bowl from the hot pot, and brought it over to her. When she looked up at me, I saw something surprising: Yuki smiled at me. But it didn't seem quite right. It seemed sort of like when somebody's forcing a smile, and it doesn't quite reach their eyes. I needed to ask Yuki about it later. I don't think Haruhi saw that happen, but she did comment a few minutes later that I looked like I'd seen a ghost.

"Maybe I have and maybe I haven't," I said.

"Whoa, really? Was it the Ghost of Christmas Past?"

"Haruhi, what are you talking about?"

"I read _A Christmas Carol, _and from what I understand, seeing ghosts is important to Christmas."

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't the point, Haruhi."

The conversation went on for a while like this. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention though. I was thinking about what I'd seen. As far as I know, Yuki doesn't smile, not in this world, at least. Even after we had just kissed, a week earlier, she had the same expression she always does. Had she gained the ability to express emotions normally? Or had that somehow been forced?

At the end, I offered to clean up, an offer which Haruhi accepted because, as I found out, she had been planning to have me do it anyway, given my position as Brigade Lackey. But it gave me the chance to talk to Yuki after everyone else had left.

"Yuki," I said, "was that for real?"

"What are you referring to?" she asked, still looking at her book.

"Don't you know?"

"Are you referring to my change of facial expression?"

"Yes, exactly. Was that for real?"

She looked straight at me.

"I do not understand what you mean by that. Do you mean to ask whether it accurately reflected my internal state at the time? Then the answer is yes."

"It's just that, no offense, it sort of seemed like you were forcing it."

She looked away from me, towards the floor.

"Theoretically, all human facial expressions are within my physical capabilities, since my body is, apart from my data-manipulation capabilities, similar to that of a human. However, they do not occur spontaneously, and because they are not in my programming it is difficult to mimic accurately."

I'm a little disappointed by this. And it bothers me somehow that she felt the need to mimic human emotional responses.

"So are you saying it doesn't come naturally?"

"It is not an automatic response to my internal state. It requires a conscious decision to do so. I did it because I wished to make it clear to you that your action made me happy."

"But it doesn't seem right that you have to force yourself to react that way."

"I am sorry that I cannot express this extra data…my emotions…spontaneously, as is normal with humans. And I perceive that you would be more comfortable around someone capable of normal human emotional expressions. I thought it would make you happy."

Although her tone of voice didn't change when saying this, I realized that if Yuki had "spontaneous" expressions, she would have been on the verge of tears. She had been trying to make me happy, and I had made it sound like she was doing something wrong. Good going, I thought to myself sarcastically. And unfortunately, part of her statement did have an element of truth to it. I would love to see Yuki smile when she's happy, frown when she's annoyed, or cry when she's sad. It would make me happy, because I could know what she was feeling, rather than my inexact guesswork. And while I'd rather not acknowledge it, it would make me more comfortable around her. But I don't want her to feel like she has to pretend to be someone else for me to love her, and I realize that that is what bothers me about her attempt at a smile. I chose for her to be like this, and to ask her to pretend that she isn't this way would be more unreasonable than Haruhi at her worst.

"Yuki…it makes me happy that you're willing to do that for me. I'm sorry if I made it sound like there was something wrong with that. And if it makes you happy to smile when you're happy, even if it's not, um, spontaneous, then feel free to do it. But I don't want you to feel like you have to pretend to be someone else for me to love you. I love _you_, Yuki, and even if your expressions aren't the same as most other people, it won't change that fact. But if you want to let me know when you're happy…or sad, or frustrated, or angry, or you're feeling something you can't identify, I do want to know."

I'll bet I'm sounding like an idiot again, aren't I?

But then Yuki closed her book and placed it aside, rose from her chair, and walked up to me. She hugged me around my middle, laid her head against my chest, and said,

"I love you, Kyon. It makes me happy to be with you."

Suddenly I realize that _I'm _getting teary-eyed. Dammit, I'm a man, I should be the stoic one. So I'm a little ashamed when Yuki looks up and asks, "Did something I say cause you internal distress?"

"No, Yuki," I said, returning the embrace, "sometimes…the way humans respond to things doesn't make any sense at all. It makes me happy, Yuki…to be with you, as well."

As we held each other, silently, her soft hair brushing against my cheek, I wondered how I got to be so lucky, that Yuki Nagato is in love with me, of all people. And how could a few facial expressions, or the lack thereof, make me think otherwise?

* * *

Kyon is late. It is January, and the temperature is low. I am aware of discomfort from the temperature. My cardigan does not keep out the cold. But my physical state is not significantly threatened by this weather, and I do not shiver.

We are meeting in the park, depending on the temperature to ensure that no unwelcome observers are present. I scan again. The only humans in the park are a couple of older humans, a male and a female. They are both white-haired, and while the male's head is concealed under a cap, I know that he is mostly bald. He uses a means of supplementary support to aid him in walking.

I am distressed by this. Not by the display of physical age. That is simply a biological fact. It is something that I considered when I altered the world, and became human. After all, as a human, I would presumably age as other humans would. But when I see both of these humans together, I realize that they have, in all likelihood, been together since they were far less advanced in age. As humans say, they "grew old together". And the contrast with the situation I find myself in is distressing.

Because I know that I cannot grow old with Kyon. As an interface, I do not age. My physical state is unchanging. In theory, my lifespan is indefinite, limited only by the supply of free energy available to support my functions in the universe.

It distresses me to know that Kyon will grow old, not because I will cease to love him, but because I perceive that the aging process is often a source of distress for humans, and if I am still in existence, I will be witness to that, while never fully understanding the source of his distress.

But the most distressing fact, the one that brings me to the verge of instability, is the knowledge that Kyon will eventually die. I do not know why I had not considered this fact before, because it is a universal fact for humans. When I consider that Kyon will die, and that the time that I might potentially continue to exist is immense compared to the time that he will live, I find the knowledge intolerable.

My internal distress is so severe that I do not detect Kyon's approach until I hear his breathing. It is clear from his vital signs, and his breathing pattern, that he ran a significant proportion of the distance.

"Sorry I'm late…I guess I slept right through my alarm," he says, attempting to catch his breath. I notice that he is wearing a heavy coat. The same heavy coat that he lent me that night on the hospital rooftop.

"I understand," I say, distracted by my internal distress.

I do not know how Kyon discovers that I am distressed, as I do not think that I have displayed any dramatic outward sign of my internal state. But he immediately asks, "What's wrong, Yuki?"

"It is unimportant," I say. I understand that the subject of mortality is often a cause of distress for humans, and I do not wish to cause Kyon distress by bringing up the subject of his mortality.

"Nagato…give me just a little credit. I can read you better than that. There's something bothering you, and whatever it is, it's really important." I note that, since December 17, Kyon only refers to me by my surname if we are around other humans at school, or when he is distressed by something that I have done. In this case, it appears that he knows I was not honest in my response.

"I do not wish to speak about it," I reply.

"Yuki, if something's bothering you, I want to know what it is. I can't help you if I don't know what's bothering you."

I pause momentarily, considering my response.

"It is difficult to explain."

"Try me."

I look at the older humans. Kyon seems to understand.

"Is it something about growing old, Yuki? I don't think that's something that affects you…"

"It does. Because you will grow old."

"Are you saying it'll bother you when I go grey and start balding?" he asks, looking almost amused.

"No. But I understand that aging is…often a source of physical and mental distress for humans. I…do not want that to happen to you."

"It's not exactly something I'm looking forward to either, but it's pretty much inevitable. I mean, everyone gets old if they live long enough."

Except for me.

We start walking, side by side, along the path. The trees, having lost their leaves, are bare. I do not know why I feel that this relates to the topic of our conversation.

"But I am more worried because it means that you will eventually die. There is nothing I can do to prevent that. And if I am not deleted after you die, then I may continue to exist for a comparatively vast amount of time. This causes me…an emotion I cannot identify. But it is a severe cause of internal distress."

Kyon does not say anything for 14.7 seconds. I can tell that my words have made him internally distressed, and I am sorry. But I continue:

"I have determined that when you die, if the Data Integration Thought Entity does not delete me, then I will self-destruct."

Suddenly, Kyon appears to be experiencing anger. Something in my statement caused his internal distress to increase. He turns towards me, grabbing me by my shoulders.

"No, Nagato! I can't accept that! When I die-though I hope that's years away-I don't want my last thought to be that loving me caused you to kill yourself."

"When you die, I will no longer have any reason for living."

"Yuki, I have seen humans who are not as strong as you find a reason for living, even after someone they love has died. When I die…I want you to at least try to find a reason to continue living. There are plenty of things to experience in this world. I guess I can't know what it's like to live as long you might live, and I guess if I lived long enough, I might, I don't know, get bored with life, and simply want to die because there wasn't anything more I thought I needed to experience. If you get to that point, then I suppose I can't fault you for it. But I don't want you to kill yourself out of grief over me."

I am unsure how to respond. But my internal distress continues unabated. I eventually decide to tell Kyon:

"This knowledge…and its implications…are causing me to become unstable."

"Yuki," he says, sounding, if I identify the tone correctly, frantic, "I'm sorry I can't be with you as long as you live. It's not fair to the people who outlive the ones they love, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm here now, though, and I love you. And I will love you as long as I'm alive. I'm sorry if that's not enough, but it's all I can do."

I will my internal distress levels to subside, but they do not return to the level they were at before I began on this line of thought.

Kyon then says, "Yuki…can you promise me something?"

"Yes," I say. Anything, I think.

"When I die…promise me that you'll find a reason to continue living. I don't want my existence to be your only reason for being. It's not fair to you, and it's too much of a burden for me. I'm sorry if it's not a reasonable request…but I'm only human. Can you promise me, Yuki?" he says.

I do not answer automatically. It is not a reasonable request. He is asking me to continue with an existence that, as I currently evaluate it, will have no purpose. But I cannot refuse the request. I resolve that if I exist longer than Kyon, I will find a reason to continue, so that my next words are not dishonest. But it does not meet human norms of reciprocity for this promise to be imposed one-sidedly.

"Conditionally," I reply.

"What?" Kyon asks.

"I promise on the condition that you take upon yourself a reciprocal obligation. That if I cease to exist before you, you will find a reason to continue living."

He looks confused.

"I don't think that's very likely but…okay. I guess it would be unreasonable of me to make you promise something I wouldn't."

And then, a few seconds later,

"By the way, Yuki, aren't you cold, just wearing that cardigan?"

"My physical state is not under any significant threat from the temperature."

Ignoring this statement, Kyon takes off his coat, and places it around me. I am reminded of the intensity of this emotion that I feel towards him, and how it can alternately incur and calm distress. And while the knowledge of Kyon's eventual mortality is still present in my mind, I am able to return my internal state to normal. He is with me now, and I have to accept that as enough.

**Author's Note:**

I would greatly appreciate reviews, mostly so that I can know whether to continue or not. KyonxYuki, in Haruhi's world, presents a veritable Gordian knot of plot difficulties to somehow resolve in a satisfying manner, and before I invest the effort in trying to figure that out, I'd like some feedback on how it's going so far.

* The _Nagato_ was a battleship in the Imperial Japanese Navy in World War II.

"Yuki", of course, means "snow" in Japanese.

**Update 10/8/12**

Thanks to all commenters for encouragement and advice. I'll probably be taking a short break from this story. But fear not, I will return to this story in the near future.


	5. A Close Call

It was the day after my conversation with Yuki about that somewhat uncomfortable subject, my mortality. Several things connected with that conversation bothered me. The first thing was something that I wasn't even conscious of noticing at the time, but that would become very significant later. When I approached Yuki in the park, she didn't notice my presence until I was very close by. Maybe that was what tipped me off to the fact that something was bothering her. Yuki is not somebody who's easy to catch off guard.

The next thing that bothered me, of course, was the knowledge of the difficulties involved in any relationship between a human and a potentially immortal humanoid interface. The ancient Greeks explored similar problems in relationships between gods and mortals, and most of those stories didn't end happily. And I don't want to tempt fate and end up like Tithonus. More seriously, though, it bothers me because it reminds me of how limited an ordinary human like me really is. I can't will myself to immortality, to be with Yuki as long as she lives. She'll have to face life alone, at some point, and there's nothing I can really do to change that, is there?

But that brings me to the most problematic point, at least from my perspective. Leaving aside what happens in the (comparatively) distant future, what if I were to kick off suddenly and unexpectedly? In Haruhi's world, that's not exactly an idle possibility. What would keep the Entity from deleting Yuki, if that happened? I hadn't even thought of that before, but the subject of my mortality caused the realization to hit me like a load of bricks. For over a year, I had been leaving this important point unaddressed, and for some of that time I had professed to love Yuki, even while I left a status quo intact that would become dangerous for her if I was no longer around. Go ahead, boo me, I think I deserve it right now. If only there were some way to get the message to Haruhi that I was John Smith, even if Yuki and I weren't around to deliver it. Especially if we weren't around to deliver it.

It was with these thoughts that I started trudging to school, in the cold, that Monday morning. I wasn't exactly in the mood to talk to Taniguchi when I saw him, but for some reason he seemed really eager to talk to me. I noticed Kunikida wasn't with him, and then remembered that Kunikida was out sick with the flu. Great. So I got to deal with Taniguchi, who seems to be irrationally pleased with the frigid weather, alone. Little did I know that I would be grateful for Kunikida's absence soon.

"Hey, Kyon, wait up!" Taniguchi yelled. I sighed internally. I guess I don't have a choice, do I? "Yo, Taniguchi," I said. After catching his breath, Taniguchi said simply, "You know, Kyon, you're terrible at keeping secrets." Where the hell did that come from? "I mean, when I saw you and Nagato in that classroom freshman year, I knew your story about her having an anemic seizure was a load of crap." Why the hell did he bring that up? And why did it give me a sense of impending doom? "Taniguchi, is there a point to this?" I asked, annoyed. "I'm just saying, whatever weird reason you have for not wanting anyone to know you're going out with Nagato…or more likely, whatever reason she has for not wanting to be seen with you," he said, smirking, "You'd probably do well to be a little more discreet."

What the hell was he talking about? How did he know about Yuki and me? We're really careful. And Yuki has senses that could detect anyone who shouldn't see us a mile away. Though yesterday she didn't notice me until I was right next to her…it must have been because she was distracted. Crap! I hadn't thought about that at all. And anyone could see us in a public park. But we hadn't expected anyone to be there.

"Taniguchi, would you like to elaborate on that for me?" I said, hoping I didn't sound too worried. "I was just out for a walk yesterday," he said. I gaped at him. Who the hell would just happen to be out for a walk in weather like this? But then again, Taniguchi, for some bizarre reason, seems to like unreasonably cold weather.

Continuing, Taniguchi said, "and I went to the park. I honestly didn't expect to see anyone there. The only people I noticed were some old folks, and Nagato. I had no idea what she was doing there. I don't think I hardly ever see her outside of school, what with her being part of yours and Suzumiya's gang of weirdoes. Imagine my surprise when I saw you running up to her, and the two of you walking together. I decided to scram before you guys noticed me. I didn't really want a repeat of the awkwardness freshman year."

And this isn't awkward, telling me the next morning? Still, I was grateful that he told me before telling, say, Kunikida, who couldn't keep a secret to save his life, let alone someone else's. Please, I hope Taniguchi didn't tell anyone else.

"So, Taniguchi, I'm the first person you told about this, right?" "Sure. It's not like I'm out to tell everyone about Nagato's misfortune." Don't make me punch you, you bald octopus. "I'm just wondering why you guys are so secretive about it. I know that if I was dating an A-ranked girl like Nagato, I wouldn't shut up about it." You're probably right about that. He certainly wouldn't shut up about that girl from Kouyouen Academy.

"Oh, you know, uh…approval from the folks, and stuff like that…" I couldn't exactly tell him the real reason, could I? "Why would that be a problem?" When the hell did Taniguchi get so nosy? "Um…" I'm grasping at straws, here, "let's just say Nagato's family isn't from around here. Her family probably wouldn't approve." Saying Nagato's not exactly from around here is a bit of an understatement, but not a lie. And it's true that I don't think her "family" would approve.

"I didn't know that. Where are they from?" "Well, you know, I'm not sure, exactly," I replied, "but she's very sensitive about it, so don't tell anyone okay?" I tried to make the last words sound just slightly threatening, but I don't think I succeeded. "Huh, don't worry. Like I said, I'm not some schoolgirl spreading gossip," Well, you had me fooled. "I was just curious, you know."

As we walked the rest of the way to school, the only thought in my mind was that this was way too close. Just a little more than a month in, and we were already potentially in trouble. And of course, I was the one who insisted on this, wasn't I? Yuki was the one who had wanted to be cautious, at first, and I was the charging romantic idiot who insisted that we should disregard all the risks. Okay, so I acknowledged the risk to her life, but then promptly forgot about it when she told me that the reason she was afraid of proceeding was the risk to my life, and then again a little later when she kissed me. And as long as the two of us getting caught was an uncertainty, a hypothetical, it was easy to be oblivious about it.

But I had just gotten enough of a scare to put me back in my senses. Even if Yuki was okay with the risk to her own life, was I okay with it? If we were to slip up again, and someone who wasn't as discreet as Taniguchi noticed it, could I live with myself if something happened to Yuki because of what we were doing? Could I really be that stupid? I don't care if this makes me irresolute. And I know that Yuki worries about what might happen to me, as well. Do I have the right to be so reckless with both of our lives, especially when Yuki apparently places so much importance on mine?

Was Yuki any happier, knowing that what we were doing was risking both of our lives, than before the previous December 17th? It was a simple question, and yet one that I hadn't thought of asking. And if I really loved her, shouldn't that have been the first and foremost question in my mind when this began?

I really haven't gotten any better, have I? I'm still the same reckless, crazy guy who chose a life of mortal danger for the thrills, and I've just found new justifications for it.

I will always love Yuki, even if we can't be together. As soon as possible, I need to talk to her about this. Hopefully nobody else will be in the clubroom during lunch today, and I'll have a chance to bring this up. It makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to think that I might have to be apart from Yuki, to never hold her hand again, or embrace her, or show any outward sign of affection, lest it tip off the wrong people. But it's a minor pain, compared to the knowledge that I might cause Yuki to be harmed, out of selfishness. She remained silent about what she felt, because she was afraid for my sake, and only broke her silence because she wanted to help me. If I wasn't willing to do the same for her, then it wouldn't just be "inaccurate", to use Yuki's term, to say that I loved her. It would be an offense against whatever had moved Yuki, whether one called it love or something else, to act as she did.

* * *

I am worried.

I realize that as a result of my internal distress the previous day, my detection capabilities were temporarily impaired. I did not notice Kyon's approach until he was in close proximity to me. Which implies that other humans, who should not have seen us together, may have been in range without my knowledge.

Also, I am distressed because the risk that our actions may have been seen by others forces me to consider the risks my own actions create. Because of my meetings with Kyon, his risk of premature death is increased.

I chose this course of action. When Kyon had believed that it was my own existence that deterred me from this course of action, he was willing to avoid it, to protect my existence. It was only because, rather than remain silent, I told him that it was not my own existence, but his, which motivated my initial choice, that he deliberately continued.

This distresses me, because I do not wish to be apart from Kyon, and yet I know that by meeting with him, I increase the risk of his premature death. And yet I also perceive that if we were to cease our current actions, it would be a cause of internal distress for Kyon. The contradictory impulses that arise from human emotions may be taken for granted by them, but they are a severe cause of distress for a being like myself.

I realize that if I am to mitigate the risk that our current actions pose, I must find a way to alter the balance of risk such that the Entity will not evaluate Kyon as being any less dangerous dead than alive. The source of his danger to the Entity, of course, is his ability to cause Haruhi Suzumiya to become aware of her powers. This is unacceptable to all factions, even the radicals. If Haruhi Suzumiya could be made aware of her powers, even if Kyon were to be terminated and I was deleted, and the Entity is aware of this fact, then Kyon will be safe, even if the Entity becomes aware of our actions.

However, this course of action also incurs certain risks. If our attempt to establish a mechanism to automatically inform Haruhi Suzumiya of her powers is detected before an effective deterrent is established, our risk of elimination, as a preemptive measure, by the Entity would rise significantly. Before I proceed, I must discuss this course of action with Kyon.

* * *

When the lunch bell rang, I very calmly walked out of the classroom, to avoid causing Haruhi to ask any awkward questions, and then proceeded to bolt to the clubroom. Opening the door, I was relieved to see that Yuki was the only one there.

"Just you, Nagato?" I asked. This was supposed to be my way of asking if the coast was clear, or if anyone might be listening. If Yuki nodded, we were safe, otherwise I would just say something about having to use the computer.

Yuki nodded.

Walking to the computer desk and sitting down, I said,"Good, there's something-several things, actually-that are really important, that I really should have talked to you about before."

Yuki looked straight at me, blinked, and said, "There is also an item which I need to discuss with you."

I blurted out:

"The first thing is that I think Taniguchi may have seen us together in the park. The good news is that I don't think he's going to tell anyone."

* * *

It causes me distress to know that my lapse of observation yesterday resulted in our detection. Kyon appears distressed by this as well. But I can tell that this is not the entire cause of his distress. There is something else, and Kyon has difficulty proceeding.

"There's…something else…that this sort of made me think of. It came home to me just how stupid I've been for the past month and a half."

It causes me internal distress to hear this statement. Is Kyon also distressed by our actions? He continues:

"On December 17th, when we were, uh, talking about the risks, you were the one who wanted to be cautious. And I guess I didn't want to think about the risks. But with a close call like this, I have to think about what I'm doing. I've put your life at risk, and said that it's because I love you. And now that I realize it, I feel like an idiot for it. I don't have any right to be so reckless with your life, Yuki."

I consider it necessary at this moment to remind Kyon of the details of our conversation:

"When I stated that our actions might contribute to the risk of my deletion, you were willing to desist. It was only when I declared that the risks to my own existence were acceptable, and that my concern was for your existence, that you became insistent. And I agreed to our course of action as well."

"Even if you're okay with the risk to your own life, I don't know if I am. And maybe I don't even have the right to be so reckless with my own life, if it worries you even more than the risk to your life. Yuki, I just need you to answer one question for me: Would it make you happier if we stopped what we're doing, if we avoided doing anything that might destabilize Haruhi, or get you in trouble with the Entity? Also, I want you to disregard how I might feel about it. I couldn't stand it if you risked your life over what I wanted."

It is not possible to accurately evaluate my internal state without reference to Kyon's internal state. Nor, judging from his question and previous statements, is it possible for Kyon to accurately evaluate his internal state without reference to my own.

"That is not possible," I respond.

* * *

I must say, that wasn't the response I was expecting. Hearing Yuki call anything "impossible" messes with my sense of reality more than stepping into closed space.

"Why?" I asked.

"I cannot accurately evaluate my internal state without referring to yours. In addition to the distress that being apart from you would cause me directly, it would distress me because I would know that you would be distressed by the action. I do not know where one impulse ends and the other begins. When we are together, it makes me happy. And if I am correct in my assumption, it also makes you happy."

Of course it does.

"But because our internal states are interdependent, there is a positive feedback loop. Each of us becomes more happy, if we believe that the other is happy."

That's a very technical way to describe being in love. It's so very characteristic of Yuki.

"By the same process, each of us is affected by the other's internal distress. This is why I almost became unstable on December 17th. I perceived your distress, which had in turn been heightened by your perception of my distress."

I guess that's a succinct way of putting it. But I still feel like my question's not really been answered.

"Okay, but still, would you be happier if we stopped what we're doing, and didn't…see each other outside of Brigade activities?"

Now is one of those times that I wouldn't mind having a monotone voice, like Nagato's, that didn't betray any emotion. Because I'm afraid that what she says will be influenced by what she gathers that I want to hear.

"No."

"Yuki, is that true?"

"It is an accurate statement. I could only be happier apart from you if I perceived that it would make you happier. Is that the case?"

Why do I feel like we're going in circles?

"But…I don't want you to risk your life over what I want! I want you to just…do what makes you happy," I end lamely.

"It does. But this is dependent on your happiness. I have also surmised, from your words and your internal state, that your happiness has a similar dependency. They are inseparable functions."

* * *

I am not certain if Kyon accepts my answer. We are both silent for 8.7 seconds. I continue:

"When I informed you that the risk to your existence was the reason for my hesitation, you asked me to accept that risk, because you were willing to accept it. Now that we have experienced a near crisis, you have decided that you cannot accept the risks to my existence. It is not reasonable for you to demand an action of me that you would not reciprocate. If the risks to your own existence were unacceptable to you, then I would be able to accept a cessation of our actions. But I cannot accept that decision if it is due to the risks to my existence. I accepted these risks, willingly, and I am happy to be with you, if you are happy with me."

I do not know what impels me to state this. Logically, given my internal distress over the threat to Kyon's life, I should not encourage him to continue with a course of action which could result in his termination. But the knowledge that he only doubts his actions because of the threat to my existence, that he would sacrifice his own happiness to protect me, makes me unwilling to accept it. I love Kyon, and to watch Kyon cause himself internal distress because he believes it is what I desire is not acceptable to me.

I scan the premises to ensure that no one is approaching the room, before my next action. Satisfied that we are not at significant risk at the moment, I approach Kyon, and place my right hand in his left.

"I love you, and it makes me happy to be with you, Kyon. And it makes me happy, if you are happy, as well. I don't want this to end because you are afraid for me."

Kyon grasps my hand firmly.

"I love you too, Yuki," he says, quietly.

If we are going to continue, I need to speak with Kyon about the plan I am considering.

"There may be a way to reduce the danger that the Entity will decide to harm you."

* * *

Needless to say, I was listening intently. Yuki continued:

"The source of your danger to the Entity is your ability to make Haruhi Suzumiya aware of her powers. If a mechanism is created to ensure that this occurs if you are terminated, then the Entity will have no reason to delete you, even if it reassesses the risks of my existence. It would protect you, and it would also protect me."

I was surprised to find that Yuki's thoughts on the subject paralleled mine, though her reasoning was different. Still, I was more confident in my not-quite-plan to know that Yuki was thinking of the same thing.

"So it can be done?" I asked.

"Yes," Yuki replied, "It will be necessary to record a message from you, informing Haruhi Suzumiya of your identity as John Smith. The message should also include an explanation of Haruhi Suzumiya's powers."

Makes sense to me.

"However," Yuki continued, "There are risks to this course of action. If the Entity becomes aware of this attempt before we establish an effective deterrent, then the risk of our elimination will rise significantly. Because this risk affects you, as well, I cannot proceed without your approval. In my assessment, there is a low risk of detection, and it will significantly lower the probability that either of us will be eliminated."

Not to mention, if anything did happen to me, this would help to protect Yuki from the Entity.

"Do I have your permission to proceed?" She asked, giving me the same intense look she had when she asked the same question during that gaming tournament with the computer club. I didn't realize that first time how cute she looked when she asked that.

"Of course you have my permission."

* * *

And that's how I found myself, that following Sunday, recording the following message:

"I am John Smith. I am the high school student who helped you to write your Tanabata message."

It's an odd introduction, but I want the important point to be out front. All Haruhi really needs to hear is the first sentence. Four words that could make the universe collapse, at least as far as the Data Integration Thought Entity is concerned.

"If you're watching this, it probably means that something has happened to me."

I can't help it. It would just be too clichéd to say "If you're watching this, then I am dead." Although it's probably true.

"If you're wondering how it's possible that I'm John Smith, it's because I traveled back in time, with the help of Miss Asahina, who is actually a time traveler. But we got back to our own time thanks to Miss Nagato's help."

Keeping it formal. Wouldn't want my last testament to seem out of character.

"So we've got our time traveler and our alien. Koizumi is the esper out of our little group. I'm afraid you'll just have to take John Smith's word for that."

I'm pretty sure Haruhi will trust anything John Smith says. At least, her alternate world version pretty much accepted my entire bizarre and unbelievable story at face value once I told her about my identity.

"So that leaves you and me. As far as I know, I'm just an ordinary human who happens to hang out with aliens, time travelers, and espers. But you, Haruhi, are special."

Leading up to the really devastating part.

"The three factions that Koizumi, Asahina, and Nagato represent don't quite agree on what you are. Miss Asahina's group seems to think that you somehow created a distortion in the space-time continuum. Miss Nagato's group thinks that you're the key to something they call 'auto-evolution'. And Koizumi's group basically thinks that you're God."

Not too dramatic.

"I don't know exactly whose version I believe, but I've seen your powers alter reality. You made all sorts of interesting stuff happen. Some of it, frankly, was dangerous. I think that's something you need to know, since I'm telling you about your powers now. I'm entrusting you with the most dangerous, most powerful knowledge in the universe, so I need you to know the responsibility that entails. You're definitely not an ordinary human."

Now to state my case, and Yuki's case as well.

"If you're seeing this video, then it's very likely that Nagato and I both need your help. You see, we're not exactly on the good side of Nagato's bosses. Nagato did something that made them think that she was too dangerous to be allowed to continue existing in this world. But you have to understand, Yuki Nagato has probably done more to help us than any other person in the Brigade. She saved my life several times, and she's saved the world at least once. And what she did, that her bosses thought was so dangerous, she also helped to reverse.

I threatened to tell you about them, if anything happened to Nagato. And if you're watching this, it's very likely that they decided to preempt my threat. It's also likely that they've made Nagato disappear. But you have the power, at least, to bring Nagato back. The power to completely change reality, if you want to. That's what they're afraid of. That's why my threat to tell you about your powers was so dangerous to them. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this before. There were lots of people who thought you needed to be kept in the dark about this. I'm telling you this now because I trust you, and I need your help."

Not exactly a speech brimming with stunning inspiration, but I think it gets the important message across. If anything, the Entity won't want Haruhi to receive this message, and wouldn't want to do anything to cause that to happen. If Yuki and I succeed in what we're doing, Haruhi will never see this little speech of mine.

This video I've just recorded is the core of our nuclear option against the Data Integration Thought Entity. Actually, it's more than that. It's our Doomsday Machine. If this works the way it's supposed to, then if the Entity does anything to Yuki or to me, then Haruhi will inevitably end up seeing this video. And as far as the Entity's concerned, that might as well be the end of the world as they know it.

**Author's Note: **Reviews appreciated as always.


	6. One Threat and Another

February 5

I have completed construction of the mechanism.

The primary mechanism for delivering our message to Haruhi Suzumiya is assisted by a unique feature of our meeting place. Because the SOS Brigade Room exists in a separate dimension from the rest of the universe*, it constitutes a separate data space in which I am able to control the flow of data. By encoding the message in the SOS Brigade computer, I am able to safeguard it from outside interference. If a specific code is not entered periodically, the message will automatically display on the computer. Any attempt to disarm the mechanism, other than through the method I have put in place, will cause it to activate. In addition, it will be sent, electronically, to devices in the possession of Haruhi Suzumiya. However, the latter mechanism is less likely to be effective, as this requires the message to be sent outside of the protected data space, but because it can be sent repeatedly, the probability is very high that the message would eventually reach Haruhi Suzumiya. The primary mechanism depends upon Haruhi Suzumiya viewing the message on the computer in the SOS Brigade Room.

I have also established several other mechanisms, which are less secure, for delivering our message, whose existence but not the precise nature of which will be revealed to the Entity as well. While there is no absolute guarantee that the Entity won't able to circumvent these mechanisms I have put in place, I am confident that the overall risk that the Entity will judge the risks of Kyon's elimination to be unacceptable, once it becomes aware of this data. Still, I consider it important to inform Kyon before I make my transmission to the Entity.

/

"Do I have your permission to proceed?" Yuki had asked me this before, and yet she still looked incredibly cute when she said it.

But back to seriousness:

Well, we had come this far, hadn't we? If Yuki thought we were safer proceeding than not, then I had to trust her judgment on it.

"Sure, go ahead," I replied. Too terse for the situation? Maybe. But then again, brevity has its virtues, right? I mean, I knew the risks of this from the start, and went along with it, and it's not like some new information has come out that should drastically change my decision.

"Transmitting," Yuki replied.

It's been a week since then, and the Entity hasn't tried to kill us, so I'm assuming we're safe or, at least, safer than we were before. If the Entity thought it could get around our blackmail (and that's basically what this is) at present, then if it was going to go ahead with eliminating us, it would probably have done it by now. After all, it would want to get rid of us before we did something else, something that it couldn't get around so easily, right?

I really hope I'm right, because, like my decision to remain in this crazy and dangerous world, I can't take it back now.

/

February 12

We have been dismissed from SOS Brigade activities for the day. Kyon is returning to his home. It is difficult to part from him, especially since Haruhi Suzumiya's presence at the moment makes it impossible for Kyon to show any external sign of affection for me before we part. I do not understand why this should cause me internal distress, given the potential consequences that could occur if Haruhi Suzumiya becomes aware of the change in the relationship between Kyon and myself. But emotions often do not produce logical conclusions.

However, we will be meeting this evening, in my apartment. Due to the mechanism in place to make Haruhi Suzumiya aware of her powers if Kyon and I are eliminated, the Entity's assessment of risk has changed. It has determined that, to protect against further instability, it is most beneficial to assist Kyon and myself in concealing our activities from Haruhi Suzumiya. I was informed of this decision 23.4 hours prior to this point in time. I am uncertain how the Entity deduced this information from the data available to it. The Entity has a poor understanding of human emotions, and so it is unlikely that the Entity could have deduced Kyon's motivations by using its own resources.

As I exit the gates, I am surprised that Itsuki Koizumi is still present. Normally, he would have departed by this time.

"Hello, Miss Nagato," he says. I notice that, although Itsuki Koizumi is a human, albeit with supernatural abilities, his expression rarely changes. In that way, we are similar, although his demeanor is different from mine. So it is significant that at this moment, his voice patterns are significantly different from their normal state. If I am interpreting these changes correctly, he is concerned. This concurs with his bioreadings, which show elevated stress levels.

I nod to him in acknowledgement.

Itsuki Koizumi continues, "Miss Nagato, I have a question that I need to ask of you." This is unusual. Itsuki Koizumi and I rarely interact outside of SOS Brigade activities. Indeed, even when we are in close proximity, we rarely converse. It is only in times of crisis that we interact significantly. So the fact that Itsuki Koizumi is choosing to converse with me now causes me worry.

"What?" I ask.

"Your superiors have contacted my organization. About the message that Kyon recorded, and the mechanism you constructed to deliver it."

"I see," I respond. This information surprises me somewhat, as the Entity does not normally share information so freely with other parties. The Entity did not inform Itsuki Koizumi's group about Kyon's initial threat.

"They wanted us to give any information that we could, concerning why you and Kyon might have chosen now to do this."

I now know with 99.2% certainty how the Entity determined the motivation for Kyon's actions.

"I understand," I say.

"Then, what they suspected, what I-that is, my organization-suspects, and suggested that they consider, is it true?"

"What do you suspect?" I respond, though I know the most likely answer. After all, why else would the Entity have determined that, since it could not safely disarm the delivery mechanism, that it would assist Kyon and myself in concealing our meetings from Haruhi Suzumiya?

"That you and Kyon have become closer, since the incident in which you altered the world."

"It is true," I answer.

Itsuki Koizumi remains silent, and then speaks. I am not certain whether he is addressing me, or if he is engaging in the habit, not uncommon among humans, of speaking without addressing anyone in particular:

"I tried to tell him about that. I told him that he was spending too much time with you, showing you too much affection."

"When did this occur?" I reply, surprised by this revelation.

"When we were dealing with the group that formed around Miss Sasaki, and you were under attack by the Sky Canopy Dominion, I was concerned that Kyon might act…rashly, out of concern for you. I warned him that placing too much importance on you, to the exclusion of everything else, could warp his judgment**. And it seems that he chose to disregard this warning."

I am not certain what impulse this generates in me, but it appears to be similar to a hostile response to Itsuki Koizumi. Is this resentment? Or some other emotion that I cannot identify?

"What is the purpose for this conversation?" I query.

"Well, surely you know the risks of what you're doing. Even if the Entity has decided to cover for the two of you, there's a possibility that Miss Suzumiya will find out about this. That would be dangerous, for obvious reasons. Is that really something you're willing to risk?"

"It is not reasonable, by human standards, that Kyon and myself should be expected to refrain from our current actions because they might upset Haruhi Suzumiya. They have made no promise of the sort considered binding for humans in similar situations, to each other. And Haruhi Suzumiya does not normally interact with Kyon in a manner that indicates his importance to her." I am uncertain why I added the last sentence to my statement.

"Well, to answer your first point, what's normally considered reasonable for us humans doesn't involve upsetting someone who could alter the universe at will. And while Miss Suzumiya might have unusual ways of expressing her feelings towards others, you know that Kyon is important to her. The misunderstanding with Miss Asahina upset her quite a bit, to the point where she almost remade the universe. If she became aware of what you and Kyon are doing, I doubt that her reaction would be so easily controlled."

That is probably true. And yet I remember Kyon's repeated insistence that Haruhi Suzumiya must eventually learn to accept that some of her desires cannot be absolute.

"If Haruhi Suzumiya's desires continue to be regarded as absolutely binding on those around her, her course of development will tend to make her more unstable in the long run," I reply.

Itsuki Koizumi's expression changes and voice pattern change, "Hmph, that sounds a lot like someone else I know. Is that what you actually believe, Miss Nagato, or is that merely something that you're repeating because you have no other arguments?"

I am not certain. I remain silent.

"I wish I could share Kyon's apparent trust in Miss Suzumiya's maturity, but I think it's a somewhat risky assumption to gamble on. Honestly, I've worried about the same thing, that by constantly bending to Miss Suzumiya's desires, we may be setting ourselves up for more trouble in the future. Perhaps it would be better if she learned to accept disappointment. However, I think there are better ways for her to learn that lesson, than by finding out that two people who are close to her have been sneaking around behind her back. I had hoped I could reason with you, but maybe that was unrealistic."

"What course of action do you intend to take now?" I query.

"Well, there isn't really much that the organization can do. You've got everyone else in a bind, as far as controlling your actions is concerned. I suppose we'll try to help keep your relationship secret as well, since we're certainly not going to try anything that might destabilize Miss Suzumiya. But I would like you to think on what I said. Love against powerful opposing forces might work out perfectly in fiction, but in real life it rarely ends well. And this is a situation in which it could end badly for everyone."

With that statement, Itsuki Koizumi changed direction, walking towards a nondescript vehicle stationed by the sidewalk.

As I continued to my apartment, I found that I was unaccountably distressed by the conversation. I realized that although my internal state was not linked to the internal state of the other SOS Brigade members, as it was to Kyon's internal state, I was still affected by the knowledge that my actions have distressed them. I am also distressed that they might also feel negatively towards Kyon, because of our actions. I am almost certain now that the Entity has also been in communication with Mikuru Asahina's group as well, and that her thoughts are similar to those of Itsuki Koizumi. Is this some form of retaliation? Is the Entity seeking to isolate us?

I wish that I could speak to Kyon immediately. During times when I am internally distressed, it is more difficult to be apart from him. And I am not certain whether to transmit this information to him, because I know that it will cause him internal distress if I do. But I also cannot withhold this information from him, understanding its importance.

As I enter my apartment, I wonder if this is the price of feeling in a way similar to humans, to be constantly distracted by worry and doubt. And yet, despite this, I would still not reverse my condition. I prefer this errant state to a "normal" state.

Despite the information I will have to transmit to Kyon, I look forward to our meeting.

/

When I got home from school, I was surprised to get a call from none other than Miss Asahina. "Hello?" I answered. "Kyon?" she asked. "Yes," I replied.

"Can you meet me at...um...the place where we went back in time?"

I remembered the spot.

"Um, sure, I guess. When?"

"Well, I'm, uh, I'm actually there right now. It's important."

Now, back in the old days, I would have eagerly rushed off to any meeting with Miss Asahina, no matter how dire the business to be discusses. But I actually had somewhere else to be this evening. Still, Miss Asahina was a friend of mine, and if she was calling right now, it was probably because of something important. I just hoped it didn't involve more time travel.

Biking as swiftly as I could, I arrived at the meeting place. Seeing Miss Asahina (small), sitting on the park bench, I was struck by the realization that I had, for a second, almost mistaken her for Miss Asahina (big). And with a pang, I knew that what I had thought about before, that she would soon be leaving us, was probably closer than ever. While I'm in love with Yuki, I haven't become so foolish as to take everyone else for granted. Even though I no longer feel amorously towards Miss Asahina (although her physical development has progressed such that Taniguchi, who has always adored her, would now probably worship her as a goddess), parting from her will still be difficult.

But as I parked my bike, I realized that she looked worried. "What is it, Miss Asahina?" I asked. I couldn't help but think that this might have something to do with Yuki and me. On the other hand, of course, it might have nothing to do with us, while still being incredibly important.

"I-I don't know actually. It's just that my superiors contacted me, and told me to call you and meet with you here and..." Miss Asahina trailed off as she went suddenly to sleep. Most people would assume that this was a narcoleptic attack, or a fainting spell, but I had enough experience to know that this meant that Miss Asahina (big) was not far away. So it came as no surprise to me when she emerged from the trees.

"Hello, Miss Asahina," I said. "Kyon," she replied, "It's been a while." I guess it has, in this time plane, at least, but I'm not sure if it's the same for her. Who knows how much time passes between our meetings? For all I know, in her perception of time, Miss Asahina could have watched me get stabbed by Asakura just yesterday. Have I mentioned that even thinking about time travel gives me a headache?

"I gathered there's something important you need to tell me," I said, not really knowing what else to say at the moment.

"Yes. It's about you and Miss Nagato." Ah, I see. So it is about us. This filled me with a sense of foreboding. Like the Oracle of Delphi, Miss Asahina (big) rarely came to predict joy and happiness for the future, and she was almost as cryptic.

"I guess you know everything, then, huh. Did Nagato's bosses tell you? Or did you already know about it, since you're from the future?"

"That's classified information." Of course. When was anything important not classified information for a time traveler?

"I just needed to warn you to be careful." As if we're not being careful now? No, there's something else.

"Miss Asahina, is something going to happen?"

"That's also classified." Right.

"There were also two other things I needed to tell you: Remember John Smith, and Snow White." What was that supposed to mean? Was I going to have to use my trump card at some point in the future? And why repeat the other message, the one from my freshman year of high school? Did this mean that Haruhi might try to remake the world in the future?

"Miss Asahina, can you tell me anything else?" Please. I'd really like some information. I wouldn't mind if the fog over my future (and Yuki's) was lifted just a bit.

"I'm afraid not, Kyon."

"I see. Was that all?" I asked.

"Yes," Miss Asahina replied.

Looking at Miss Asahina (not-so-small), I asked, "Your mission-it's ending soon, isn't it?"

Miss Asahina (big) answered, "I'm afraid so. The version of me from this time plane will be leaving relatively soon. I wish I could tell you more, but it's-"

"Yeah, I know," I replied, "Classified information."

"Do you need any help getting yourself home?" I asked, indicating the younger Miss Asahina.

"We'll be fine," said Miss Asahina, "You should probably hurry, though. You have an important meeting, don't you?"

/

That was a very strange interlude, but I found it somewhat encouraging. Miss Asahina (big) hadn't come back to tell me to end my relationship with Yuki, and she seemed to tacitly approve. I wish her advice could have been less cryptic, though. "Remember John Smith" and "Snow White". That was what I said to Haruhi, when Miss Asahina and I went back in time to Tanabata (the second time around, as part of Nagato's escape program). And the second one was part of my clue as to how Haruhi and I would escape from closed space. At the very least, though, Miss Asahina's faction wasn't against us. That was a good thing.

This was especially important when arrived at Yuki's apartment, given what I found out there. As I entered, I felt a vague sense of unreality. I hadn't really been a regular visitor here before, and it had usually been in a time of necessity. The idea that I was just visiting for the sake of visiting was therefore a little odd to me. It had surprised me a little when Yuki informed me of the Entity's apparent about-face, with it now being willing to help us conceal our relationship from Haruhi. Not that I minded, at least for now. But Miss Asahina (big)'s vague warning had put me in a slightly different frame of mind. Would there be a time when I would have to use our trump card against the Entity, preemptively, that the Entity would betray us at some point? Did it mean that the message and delivery mechanism weren't sufficient protections against the Entity?

Yuki's news about what Koizumi had said to her bothered me, but in light of Miss Asahina's pronouncement, I actually felt more confident, mostly because of what was left unsaid, rather than what was said. The first time the older version of Miss Asahina visited, she had warned me not to get too close to her, but had not said during this visit not to get too close to Yuki. And since her predictions about the future, to the extent that I could interpret them, seemed to be accurate, didn't that mean that whatever happened, it wouldn't end with Haruhi destroying the universe? Still, I wasn't sure I liked the last part of the message. That didn't mean that I would end up knuckling under and just giving Haruhi what she wanted, did it?

Another thing that bothered me was how different Koizumi seemed in his conversation with Yuki, compared to how I knew him. Was that how he normally was? Or was this just a desperate time? I suppose the latter would make sense. As far as Koizumi's concerned, the whole world is on the line. That didn't mean that I felt any less annoyed at him for upsetting Yuki, though. If he was so concerned about Haruhi being jealous, maybe he should ask her out himself. After all, in the altered world his alternate self had mentioned that he "fancied" Haruhi, so presumably he would be thrilled if she said yes to him.

I noticed, while I was in Yuki's apartment, that it had changed somewhat since my last visit. In the living room, in addition to the kotatsu there was now also a couch, on which Yuki motioned me to sit down. At first, honestly, I felt rather awkward, with Yuki and I just sitting on the couch, talking about our respective encounters after school. I noticed, however, that she was inching slightly closer to me all the while, almost shyly. It was such a cute gesture, it reminded me of how Yuki had been in the altered world. Finally interpreting her actions (correctly, I hope), I placed my arm around her thin shoulders, and drew Yuki closer to me. She laid her head against me, her soft hair brushing slightly under my chin, and murmured, "I don't want to do what Itsuki Koizumi suggests. I want to continue to be with you, Kyon."

"Yuki," I replied, "as long as you want to be with me, I am happy to be with you."

"What should we do concerning Haruhi Suzumiya?" she asked softly.

Now that's a question I really didn't have the answer to. Honestly, it bothers me to have to conceal what we're doing from Haruhi. Not just because bad things could happen if she found out, but also because I consider her a friend, a close friend, and hiding something important like this from her strikes me as wrong, in a way. It was Koizumi who talked about the "invisible bond of trust" that existed between Haruhi and me, and while I didn't quite see what he meant by it at the time, I think I can understand it somewhat now, and that was why our secrecy bothers me. Would she necessarily destroy the universe, if she found out about Yuki and me? I had been worrying about the Entity, which seemed like the more immediate threat, almost to the exclusion of Haruhi. Would Haruhi destroy the universe in a jealous rage if she knew about her powers? After all, during the misunderstanding with Miss Asahina, she didn't deliberately act to destroy everything she had known. It had all happened subconsciously. Was that what Miss Asahina was trying to say, I wonder? That Haruhi would have to become aware of her powers, at some point? I guess it depends on how much we trust her. There are many sayings concerning the corrupting influence of power, and one doesn't get much more powerful than Haruhi. I guess I had trusted Haruhi enough to help Yuki and me in an extreme case, one in which the Entity tried to eliminate Yuki, so I had to trust her somewhat.

I answered honestly, "I don't know, Yuki." I wished I could give a better answer. Honestly, I almost think that I'm not meant to have the answer, until the crisis is upon us. After all, crossing bridges when I come to them, without necessarily planning in advance, seems to be how I go through life. But there was something I was wondering about, something that related to this unpredictable situation.

"Yuki...you can predict the future, can't you?" I knew that she had said before that she could "sync" with future versions of herself, which basically allowed Yuki to predict the future.

"I have been unable to do this since the incident in which I altered the world."

Oh, right. I remember Yuki also saying that she had put in place a restriction program, to keep herself from syncing. I didn't know the reason for that, though there were reasons that I suspected.

"Yuki, I'm not criticizing your decision, but why did you put that restriction program in place?" I asked.

"It is difficult to find the words," she replied. I'll bet.

Hugging her, I said, "Just try your best to explain it, and I'll do my best to understand."

/

The reason for my decision to place the restriction program on my ability to sync is difficult to explain, because I do not fully comprehend the changes in my internal state that led to this decision.

"It is difficult to find the words," I reply to Kyon's query.

He places his other arm around me, drawing me into a gentle embrace, and says, "Just try your best to explain it, and I'll do my best to understand." I am reassured by his gesture, and his words. I begin:

"Although I can predict the future, I cannot alter it, as this would result in a paradox. If a change in my actions, due to data received from a future version of myself, occurred, then it would alter the very data that had resulted in the change. This is the fundamental paradox. As a result, I can only observe the future. I am unable to alter it."

Glancing upward, I see that Kyon is nodding his head slightly, to indicate comprehension. I continue:

"Knowing the future, and being unable to act to change it, produced an alteration in my internal state-an emotion-that I am unable to identify. However, it resulted in severe internal distress. So I implemented the restriction program. Objectively, I understand that this action was predetermined. However, I am able to perceive the actions I take as freely chosen, thanks to the restriction program."

I am uncertain if this data has been transmitted correctly. Kyon replies:

"I think I understand. Knowing the future, and not being able to change it made you feel hopeless. So you put the restriction program in place, to deal with that."

"Yes," I respond. I was unwilling to explain the reasons for my actions in the past. It seemed to be a sign of weakness. Even now, I am...afraid, though I am not sure if this is accurate...that Kyon will respond negatively to this.

"So you wouldn't be able to tell me if Haruhi was going to destroy the world, or not?"

"No, it is not currenty possible," I reply, distressed.

"If it would make you happy, I will remove the restriction, and inform you of the outcome of our actions. However, you will not be able to alter the outcome, because of the paradox that would necessarily occur if you altered your actions because of it."

"No, Yuki, you don't have to do that," Kyon replies, "I couldn't make you do that." I am grateful.

/

I couldn't force Yuki to tell me the future, not when I knew how much it had bothered her before. And what would I gain, anyway? Knowledge that I couldn't act on, lest it cause the universe to unravel. It bothered me slightly, though, that Yuki would have done it, if I had asked. To plunge herself into a state of hopelessness, just so that I could know something I probably shouldn't. Hadn't I said before that having no regard for herself was behavior that I absolutely couldn't allow?

As my arms were around her, I realized how small Yuki seemed. It was unbelievable at the moment that she could probably level a city if she wanted to. I wished that I could somehow shield her, from any of the threats that this world threw at us. And yet I knew, in fact, that any dangers we faced, she would have to face too. They weren't something that a normal human like me could hope to deal with alone. That she was willing to stand with me, in spite of the danger, made me happier than I could express.

And even as one threat subsided and another loomed, I couldn't help but think again how fortunate I was, to be here with Yuki, at this moment.

*In _Mysterique Sign_, the reason why the Cave Cricket couldn't enter the SOS Brigade room was that the Brigade room existed in an alternate dimension.

**This occurred in _The Astonishment of Haruhi Suzumiya_, which takes place around the beginning of Kyon and Haruhi's second year of high school. So in this story, it would have happened the previous spring.


	7. Disagreement

February 12, 9:36pm

The significance of physical gestures of affection to human emotions is strange. Objectively, it should make no difference whether Kyon and I are in close proximity to each other or not. Objectively, there is no significance to placing one's arms around another, or two individuals pressing their lips together. And yet these actions are capable of affecting my internal state in strange ways.

I am not human, although biologically my body functions in the same way as a human body, apart from my data manipulation capabilities. But I have found myself changing, reacting as a human would to more stimuli. At this moment, I want only for Kyon to continue holding me in his arms indefinitely. This would have been an incomprehensible impulse to my self as I was first created. Now it is incomprehensible that I would not have this impulse.

"Yuki," says Kyon.

"Yes?" I reply.

"I think we'll have to eventually find some way to tell Haruhi about this."

This distresses me. I sit up as I respond, "Why?"

Kyon is silent for a short interval, and then begins, "Because I don't think it's right, for us to use Haruhi as a shield against the Entity, while keeping her in the dark about the whole thing. Because, given that this is Haruhi's world, I think she'll somehow find out anyway. Because I think the Entity isn't trustworthy, and I'm pretty sure that even now they're plotting a way to get around our defense. And because I think that, if we break the news to her the right way, she won't destroy the universe upon finding out."

I ask, "What is the basis for your last statement?"

"I don't think Haruhi would destroy the universe just because she was unhappy with some fact about it, _if she knew the consequences of her actions_."

I am surprised by the implications of Kyon's statement.

"Are you suggesting that we should inform Haruhi Suzumiya of her powers, absent a threat from the Entity?" I query.

"Yes," Kyon replies.

"That would be extremely dangerous," I say.

"Says who?" replies Kyon, "Is it safe for her to be blithely unaware of her powers, to be able to remake the world without even meaning to?"

"If Haruhi Suzumiya becomes aware of her powers, she may consciously use them to alter reality in order to realize her desires. She may choose to eliminate aspects of her reality that cause her distress. And if we also inform her of our actions, I will be a cause of distress to Haruhi Suzumiya."

"Yuki, you don't really think Haruhi would erase you out of jealousy, do you?" He sounds uncertain.

"The consequences are unpredictable. That is why none of the factions observing Haruhi Suzumiya have considered it an acceptable option. I am not certain what the result of Haruhi Suzumiya being informed of her powers would be, if she also becomes aware of our relationship. But in my own judgment, there is a high probability that she would find my existence distressing, and eliminate the cause of her distress. This is consistent with her previous actions in similar situations. When Haruhi Suzumiya thought that you and Mikuru Asahina were in an intimate position, she attempted to remake the universe. Later, after the encounter with your friend from middle school, Itsuki Koizumi claimed that Haruhi Suzumiya's closed space activity increased significantly."

"Those were things that Haruhi did unconsciously though, because she was upset. Do you really think that she would deliberately kill someone close to her because she was jealous of that person?" Kyon asks.

I pause before replying. It is apparent that Kyon is distressed by the possibility he has mentioned. Haruhi Suzumiya is a strange human. Her personality is difficult to comprehend. She often does not act in a way that indicates any consideration for the humans around her. However, there are occasions when she has displayed concern for members of the SOS Brigade. She has even, on occasion, shown concern for me. But it is also possible that Haruhi Suzumiya only fails to perceive any possibility that a relationship between Kyon and myself might develop. And her behavior in similar situations is the only data I have on which to base my response:

"Yes."

/

Yuki's response shocked me. I hadn't expected that. While I could imagine Haruhi being thoughtless, uncaring, and annoying, the idea that she would deliberately harm someone like Yuki, out of jealousy, wasn't something I could bring myself to accept. Then again, how I view Haruhi, and how the rest of the SOS Brigade, even Yuki, views Haruhi, tends to differ somewhat. Pretty much everyone else treats her like an unexploded bomb that might go off if jostled too much, and I suppose they have their reasons for that.

But I like to think that Haruhi was more mature than that. She's not the same as she was when we first met, that much is certain. Even her habit of molesting Miss Asahina had fallen off in the last year or so (much to the disappointment of the less noble, more prurient side of my personality).

And she was even almost motherly to Yuki, when Yuki was ill from being under attack by the Sky Canopy Dominion. Indeed, she seemed to take a protective attitude towards Yuki, that went beyond simply safeguarding her indispensable silent character.

Even when Haruhi thought that I had written a love letter to Yuki, she took her annoyance and frustration out on me alone, rather than against Yuki. Then again, maybe that was because I was able to convince her that it was all a misunderstanding. And perhaps that was because she just didn't consider Yuki a credible romantic rival. Good grief, am I really that popular?

Still, I didn't think so little of Haruhi that I considered it likely that she would attempt to harm Yuki to get her out of the way. I mean, she would have to be evil, rather than simply thoughtless and somewhat selfish, to do that. And Haruhi wasn't evil. I couldn't believe that.

"Yuki, I-I don't think, that is," I paused a little, trying to gather my thoughts, "I mean, you don't think Haruhi's evil, do you, really?"

"The concept is unfamiliar to me. But it is natural for humans, when they have the ability to achieve important goals, to use any means necessary."

"But Haruhi wouldn't go that far, would she? I don't think she hates you. In fact, she seems almost protective of you, to be honest."

"It is possible that Haruhi Suzumiya's assessment would be altered if she became aware of our actions," Yuki replied simply. Well, that might be true. What was I trying to prove, anyway? Do I really trust Haruhi enough to make her aware that she's the most powerful being in the universe? And I couldn't bring myself to do something like this, knowing the risks it posed, if Yuki didn't approve of it.

"Fine. I won't say anything to Haruhi."

"You may continue with that course of action if you consider it-"

"NO!" I yelled, surprising even myself, and causing Yuki's expression to change just slightly. What the hell had I just done? Standing up and turning away from Yuki to hide my expression of shock and embarrassment at my own actions, I simply said, "It's just-would you _stop doing that!_"

"What?" I heard Yuki's monosyllabic response.

What the hell did I yell at her for? What did I want her to stop doing? It was just, just…

"I don't want you to constantly defer to me, Yuki," I said, through gritted teeth, "You should have more regard for your own opinion. If you think something I'm suggesting is a bad idea, then be firm about it. Hell, I've already proven that I can't be trusted with important decisions. My choice back when you changed the world proves _that_, doesn't it? Only a fool would assume that I'm trustworthy." Immediately after the last words left my mouth, I regretted them, recognizing the implications.

I was getting angry with myself, and taking it out on the person who I claimed to love. I don't try to act like a bastard, and yet I can't seem to help myself, can I? And right now, to be honest, a large part of the reason for my outburst is that I don't want to have to be the one who makes the difficult choice. If Yuki agreed with me, and thought that Haruhi should be told about everything, then I could justify my decision, if everything went awry. "Oh, Nagato agreed, so what else could I have done?" I was still depending on her, forcing burdens she shouldn't have to bear.

And for a few moments, we were both silent. I felt my face getting hot, as I realized just how much of an ass I had made of myself. I suppose this might solve the problem , though, right? After that outburst, maybe Yuki was "changing her assessment" of me. Does she really want to love someone who can be such a jerk? No relationship between Yuki and me, no problem, right? Hell, if Haruhi's as bad as Yuki fears, I guess we would deserve each other.

I supposed that I should turn around and face Yuki. I had to apologize for that outburst, at least, and staring away from her while I said it wasn't the proper way. Even if she wants me to leave, I can't let what I just said be my parting words.

To my surprise, she was standing right behind me, and I almost ran into her as I turned. That ability of hers to walk soundlessly could be inconvenient at times. Her eyes were downcast as she said, "I'm sorry."

No, this wasn't right, for Yuki to apologize to me for my outburst.

"No, Yuki. I shouldn't have said that last thing. I didn't mean it like that. But I really don't think that you should just defer to my judgment. And I can't make this decision on my own."

Lifting her eyes to me, Yuki said, again, "I'm sorry. I was not aware that it was difficult for you."

It was almost too much, to see Yuki insistently apologizing to me for anything, especially something like this. It's either a sign of my great fortitude or utter callousness that I was able to remain (almost) dry-eyed. Kneeling down before Yuki like I did that night on the rooftop, I took her right hand in both of mine, looked upwards at her, and said, "Yuki, you never have to apologize for that. I can't complain about bearing responsibility for the decisions I make. Please understand, I just can't make these decisions, decisions that affect you, if you're not okay with them. It's not right. If something affects you, you shouldn't just take my judgment on it for granted. But I was wrong to call you foolish. I can only ask you to forgive me, if you're willing," I finished, turning my face towards the floor.

I gave a slight start when Yuki leaned down, placing her left arm around my right shoulder, and laying her head on my left shoulder. She then quietly whispered in my ear, "Of course. I love you."

There were no words that I had ever been happier to hear.

**Author's Note:**

Reviews always appreciated.


	8. Argument

February 19

It had been a week since Koizumi approached Yuki, revealing that his Organization and the Entity were in communication about the two of us. Still, nothing much had happened since then. It had been a mildly quiet week for the SOS Brigade. Haruhi had insisted on having all the girls in the SOS Brigade give "obligation" chocolates to the two male members (Koizumi and me), but other than that she seemed content to hang out in the clubroom doing very little.

Still, I had noticed that Haruhi seemed to be preoccupied with something, and had seemed rather moody for the past week. As I played chess with Koizumi, I noticed at several points that Haruhi was glancing at me darkly, as if I had done something wrong. I couldn't help getting the crazy feeling that she knew Yuki's and my secret. Was that just my guilty conscience getting to me? After staring moodily at the computer for twenty minutes, she announced that the Brigade was dismissed for the day, and that we should "just do what you want". Hey, that's my catchphrase!

After Haruhi exited the room, I found myself surveying the inhabitants and thinking about how our relations had changed in such a relatively short time. Koizumi, who was sitting across from me, clearly had the worse of our game of chess. In this past week I had avoided mentioning his conversation with Yuki, and he had avoided bringing it up with me. My silence, it seemed, was the only answer he needed. I was somewhat angry at him for upsetting Yuki, but to be honest, I didn't have a whole lot of room to criticize his logic. It didn't mean that I agreed with him (after all, is anything about Haruhi's world, including Haruhi herself, logical?), but I wasn't in the mood to go into an argument unprepared.

"Is something the matter?" Koizumi asked, giving me a slightly quizzical look.

"No, why?" I responded, lying through my teeth. Of course something was bothering me. But I wasn't going confide in Koizumi of all people.

"No reason. I was just wondering what your next move would be." That could have two meanings, but for the moment I decided to interpret it as referring to our chess game. I moved my rook to take Koizumi's bishop, putting his king in check. Koizumi looked shocked at the loss, as if he hadn't seen it coming. Honestly, for someone who likes to play the intellectual as much as Koizumi, he's surprisingly bad at intellectual-ish pursuits like chess.

As Koizumi considered his next move, I looked at Miss Asahina, who was across the room preparing a second pot of tea. Did she even know what was going on, between Yuki and me? Clearly, the version of her from the future knew, but her future self is very fond of withholding information from her. Still, she would obviously find out at some point. I couldn't get past the fact that she was looking increasingly like her older version, and would probably be leaving soon. Although Koizumi had implied that younger Asahina's sweet personality was just an act to seduce me, I couldn't help but think that this version of Miss Asahina was sincere most of the time. Her older self, on the other hand, I could never be sure about, any more than I could be sure of Koizumi. That she would eventually become that person, who I could never be sure if I trusted or not, made me more than a little sad. The more I thought about the implications of time travel and the future, the more Yuki's reluctance to see the future made sense to me.

And that, of course, brought me to the demure figure reading a thick book in the corner. To all appearances, Yuki was just as she had been almost two years ago. I wonder if that's ever excited comment around school. After all, I know that I've grown a few inches in two years, Miss Asahina and Haruhi have both changed quite a bit, and even Koizumi looks different. But Yuki looks just the same as ever. Of course, she seems to be even more keenly aware of it than I am. After all, that's what distressed her so just a few weeks ago.

But despite appearances, Yuki had changed more than anyone. I first became aware that there was more going on with her than met my eye (which I suppose should have humbled me, given that I've prided myself on being able to read her better than most), over a year ago, when she changed the world. And then she surprised me again a year later. At least fate didn't give me a weak heart, otherwise the surprises this life threw at me would have sent me to an early grave all on their own.

But it was a good surprise.

And I suppose I've changed as well. I suppose that if I were to go back in time now, some of my decisions might have been different. I might have chosen Yuki's world, over this one. After all, being in love with Yuki, and being afraid for what might happen to her, changed my priorities considerably. But even now, I can't be completely sure what I would do. After all, Yuki and I only met because of Haruhi. Haruhi was the reason all of this happened. Would it be right to continue the story after cutting out the main character, or reducing her to a bit part?

But, of course, that brought up the big issue that's been bothering me for a week (longer, really). It was, to this point, the one major point of disagreement between Yuki and me. Because I didn't think it was possible to keep Haruhi in the dark about us forever, and even if I could, I would actually feel guilty about it. But, of course, it's an understatement to say that I would feel more than a little bad if telling Haruhi caused her to harm Yuki, something I didn't want to bring myself to believe she could do-

"I guess I'm in checkmate."

"What, Koizumi?"

"I can't find any way out of check. You win."

"Koizumi, there are several ways for you to get out of check right now."

"Yes, but they would all involve sacrificing valuable pieces, and my losses right now are pretty steep. Even if I could buy myself a few more turns, the outcome is inevitable."

Inevitability. That was what this all came down to. Asahina (big) apparently knew how this story ended, but she couldn't (or wouldn't) do more than hint to me about it. Hell, is that all this is? A story written down for all of us, in which the conclusion is foregone? And who's the author? Haruhi? After all, whenever unbelievable things happen in this world, they're traced back to her. Has she somehow caused all this? Even the way Yuki and I feel about each other? Of course, that would beg the question of why she would wish for that, since if it's true that she has a thing for me, presumably she wouldn't wish for someone else to be in the way.

But Haruhi's a strange person, and has a personality more discontinuous than a hyperbolic function around its origin. Speaking of which, this recent moodiness of hers was a little disturbing. Granted, she was often moody, and then hyper, and then moody again, but I was more inclined now to attach some terrible significance to her recent change in mood. A guilty conscience, perhaps?

But if it's true that Haruhi is the cause of everything, then would that thing she said, once, that made me so angry at her at the time, that we were all her toys, would that be true?

"I guess your heart's not in the game, Koizumi?"

"No, and you seem a little distracted yourself. And I think I know why. You've noticed the recent change in Miss Suzumiya's behavior."

Wrong. That was only one of the many things I was thinking about. But I figured that Koizumi was trying to segue into a conversation about that topic. After all, worrying over Haruhi's moods is supposed to be his job.

"Why, is Haruhi creating closed space again?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"This whole week."

What was the significance of that?

"The organization believes that Miss Suzumiya is extremely frustrated."

"As frustrated as that time she almost remade the world?" I asked

"Not quite. Nonetheless, her frustration has been persistent enough that we in the Organization are more concerned than usual."

"What's Haruhi got to be frustrated about?" As I asked this, I saw that Miss Asahina had walked over near Koizumi, and was wringing her hands somewhat nervously. And then she spoke:

"Well, um, you see, um, Koizumi's organization, and, um, my superiors, they both think, well, that Miss Suzumiya is frustrated because you're…you're not paying her enough attention!" She blurted out the last part.

What the hell? I don't think I've been paying her more or less attention than I normally have. She's kind of hard to ignore, after all. And more importantly, what Miss Asahina's superiors were telling her seemed to contradict what they were telling me. Or maybe it didn't. "Snow White," after all, had meant…No, dammit, that's not what I'm going to do.

I looked at Koizumi, who continued, "The season may have something to do with it. Now, about what I've suggested before…"

"No."

"But you don't even know what I-"

"Yes I do." Koizumi was going to reiterate his suggestion that I start dating Haruhi. Seriously, even when there was nothing between Yuki and me, I rejected that suggestion. Did Koizumi think that I would be more receptive this time?

"The fate of the world might hang in the balance."

"Haruhi needs to learn that not everything will always go her way."

"I suppose you're only concerned about Miss Suzumiya insofar as you can use her to protect someone who's more important to you," said Koizumi, looking meaningfully at Yuki. Did he want me to punch him? Miss Asahina's eyes seemed to widen slightly as she took Koizumi's drift, shifting her gaze from me, then to Yuki, and then to me. And Yuki had apparently taken notice of our conversation now, shooting Koizumi a look that, if looks could kill, would be deadlier than Asakura's knife.

"Y-you mean that you and Miss Nagato are…are…" I nodded in confirmation. While I wasn't exactly dead-set on spreading the information of our relationship around to everyone, Miss Asahina had already more or less figured it out. And I figure that since keeping secrets, especially when they could lead to destabilizing Haruhi, is an important part of her job, Miss Asahina won't be shouting from the hilltops about it either. My mild annoyance at Koizumi had intensified to outright anger. There were at least a hundred better ways to break the news to Miss Asahina than this, and he deliberately set this up. My sentiment must have shown up somewhat in the look I gave Koizumi, because his perpetual fake smile faltered just a little and he hastily apologized:

"I'm sorry, that was rather unfair of me. You've shown before that you care very much about Miss Suzumiya's well-being. Still, can't you at least see the importance of satisfying this need of hers?"

Whenever Haruhi is not around, Koizumi seems to make up for the temporary deficiency in weirdness.

"Koizumi, when you suggested that before, I thought it was a bad idea. And since our secret is out to you, it should be doubly obvious that I'm not going to agree. If you're so concerned that Haruhi doesn't have a boyfriend, why don't you volunteer? If she's not interested, just inform her that you're an esper, and I'm sure she'll be delighted."

"You know why I can't tell her that." Yeah, I know the reason Koizumi told me.

"There seem to be a lot of secrets surrounding Haruhi. And it seems like you keep me strictly on a need-to-know basis with regards to them. How much reason do I really have to trust what you're saying?" Miss Asahina looked a little hurt, even though my comment was directed at Koizumi more than her. I suppose that it could apply to her bosses as well, though. "Come to think of it, with the exception of Haruhi, I seem to be the one who is most often kept in the dark."

I felt a lot of my resentment at Koizumi and Asahina's factions coming out in those words. When you get right down to it, I resented being treated as a pawn in whatever games they were playing.

"So is that it?" Koizumi asked, "Are you just ignoring what we say because you think we don't tell you enough?"

"No, it's because I can never be sure if anything you tell me is the truth, a lie, or a conveniently doctored half-truth."

"And can you be certain of that with Miss Nagato?" What the hell was he implying? Was he going to accuse Yuki now of trying to manipulate me? "If you have something to say, Koizumi, then say it!"

"Think of how useful it would be, for the Entity, for one of their subordinates to have you wrapped around her little finger," he said smugly. Now he was just pulling stuff out of his ass. There was no way that Yuki was trying to manipulate me on behalf of the Entity. For one thing, why would she have put our message to Haruhi in place if Yuki was acting on the Entity's orders? Her bosses were paranoid about destabilizing Haruhi. That was why the two of us were still alive since that evening when I made my threat to the Entity.

"All you really have to prove that is Miss Nagato's word," Koizumi retorted. Dammit, this wasn't like Koizumi at all. Sure, he would vaguely suggest that I should be cautious about trusting Asahina's or Nagato's motives before, but he wasn't usually this brazen. And in this case, I knew it couldn't be true. Everything that happened between Yuki and me, it couldn't have been a ploy, could it? I couldn't believe that.

"Why?" My head, Koizumi's, and Asahina's all turned towards Yuki, who thus far hadn't weighed in. Of course, why shouldn't she, when she was the one being talked about?

"I beg your pardon?" Koizumi was the first to talk.

"What is your reason for doing this?" Yuki asked, almost sounding, if I didn't know any better, plaintive.

"I don't expect any of you to understand the reason," said Koizumi, his calm seeming especially forced, "although before I found out about this, I thought you would have," he seemed to direct this last part at Yuki. What the hell was Koizumi talking about? "Don't be so damn cryptic, Koizumi. Just say what you're thinking, rather than making half-hints."

But Koizumi just gathered up his bag, buttoned his blazer, and proceeded to the door.

"Dammit, Koizumi, don't ignore me when I'm talking to you!"

"You've evidently seen fit to ignore my advice," was his only reply, as he exited, not even turning to look at me as he said it.

**And now for something a little different: Some light-hearted rants from the characters, against the author. I think this is what the Japanese call "omake". WARNING: severe wreckage of the fourth wall. All meant for laughs, and not in any way a part of the story continuity.**

**Author: So, how do you guys like your character development?**

**Kyon: I'm a little annoyed. Everyone who reads my monologue in chapter 1 and agrees with it is going to think that the canon version of me is a complete jerkass.**

**Author: Well, you know, I was trying to set up your conversation with Yuki...**

**Yuki: My character is somewhat discontinuous. In chapter 3, my behavior is significantly more overt than in later chapters.**

**Author: Well, you were supposed to be under some stress in that situation and-**

**Koizumi: I don't mean to be rude, but why did you cast me as a passive-aggressive villain?**

**Author: Look, I don't think my portrayal of you is that far off from the novels. And I don't see how I portrayed you as in any way villainous.**

**Koizumi: Perhaps I should rephrase. To use Kyon's term, you simply seem to portray me as a "jerkass".**

**Author: Hey, I'm actually trying to set it up to portray you somewhat sympathetically, because in a later chapter I'll probably-**

**Haruhi: I HAVE A HUGE COMPLAINT ABOUT THE HACK WHO WROTE THIS!**

**Author: What?**

**Haruhi: This fanfiction is based on a series in which I'm the title character, right?**

**Author (timidly): Yes. Is there a problem?**

**Haruhi: Tell me: Why am I a background character, at most, in this story? I literally have only two lines so far. I'd better get more lines, and some character development, or it's the DEATH PENALTY for you!**

**Author: Look, calm down! I promise that you'll have a more important part later in the story. That's all I can promise without giving out any spoilers. Just be patient.**

**Haruhi: A reality-warping god does not have to be patient!**

**Author: You see, Haruhi! This is why no one wants to tell you about your powers!**

**Haruhi: Do not presume to call me by my given name! You are not even fit to be a sub-lackey. You are only allowed to refer to me as "Suzumiya-sama"**

**Author: I REFUSE TO ADDRESS YOU BY THAT HONORIFIC!**

**Haruhi: Death Penalty!**

**Author: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Suzumiya-sama. Please don't hurt me.**


	9. Explanations

After Koizumi left, I stared uncomfortably at Miss Asahina.

"Miss Asahina, I-there was probably a better way to tell you this, but,"

"No, it's just-I thought-well, that is, I-I never thought it would be with," and then she trailed off too. Was it really that unbelievable? Okay, maybe it was, but surely Miss Asahina was at least somewhat forewarned? What purpose did it serve for her bosses to keep her in the dark all the time?

I noticed that Miss Asahina was suddenly blushing profusely, looking extremely embarrassed. Don't get me wrong, but that's still pretty cute.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well, it's just I-I suppose that you and M-Miss Nagato would like to, uh, be alone, and-and, uh, well I-," trailing off, she rushed to the door, looking mortified, as if she had stumbled in on someone changing clothes. She exited, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was still wearing her maid outfit.

"Well that," I said, exhaling rather heavily, "could have gone a lot better."

"I am sorry," Yuki said quietly.

"What?" I replied.

/

"What?" is Kyon's response to my statement, indicating that he is not aware of the reasons for it.

"My actions have resulted in increased tension between you and other individuals close to you. This has caused you to become distressed." I am able to determine from his vital signs that he is under significant stress.

"First of all, Yuki, don't try to make it sound like you were the instigator here and we were all just bystanders. Even if someone granted that you were in the wrong-which I don't-I'm just as responsible as you are. And secondly, I'm distressed because I'm annoyed at Koizumi for acting like an ass. What the hell is he hoping to achieve by that, anyway? If it's instability he's worried about, then pissing off everyone else around Haruhi is an odd way to go about avoiding it."

The causes of Itsuki Koizumi's behavior have been mysterious to me. The motivations behind his actions are unclear, and not easily ascertained through analysis based on goal-oriented behavior. And several of his statements have made this analysis even more difficult.

His implication that my relationship with Kyon was instigated by the Entity is a conclusion that he has overwhelming evidence to indicate is untrue. It was the Entity which first informed his faction of the fact in the first place. If this was an attempt to gain more influence over Haruhi Suzumiya, it would produce no benefit to the Entity to inform another faction of this development. This is why the statement caused me severe internal distress. I understood that Itsuki Koizumi was acting in an attempt to alter Kyon's attitude towards me to one of suspicion or hostility. Given the low probability that this would produce a positive result, from Itsuki Koizumi's perspective, his motivation for this action is unclear.

Itsuki Koizumi's motivation for his next statement, his response to my question about his motivations for his previous implication, is even more unclear.

"I don't expect any of you to understand the reason, although before I found out about this, I thought you would have," Although I am uncertain in the nuances of human conversation, it was clear that Itsuki Koizumi had directed the last words at me specifically. If he assumed that I would determine the meaning of these words, he was mistaken. I query Kyon about the potential meaning of this statement, and he is similarly uncertain.

"I honestly have no idea what Koizumi was playing at," Kyon replies, "Honestly, he didn't even seem like he was completely rational, which is strange for him. Hell, even when Haruhi seemed about ready to remake the world, he didn't lose his cool. Something must be really getting under his skin."

Kyon is silent for a few moments, and then says quietly, without seeming to direct his words at anyone in particular, "I guess it could mean," he pauses, and then shakes his head, "Nah, that's not possible."

It is my turn to produce a monosyllabic query: "What?" I say.

"Nothing," Kyon responds.

"That is not an accurate statement," I say.

"Really, it's nothing worth saying. Just some wild speculation on my part. I would almost be embarrassed to say it out loud. I'm not even sure if it makes complete sense in and of itself."

"Please. I won't laugh." I reply. I am unable to laugh, but the meaning of the statement, I have determined, is an invitation to state a thought fully and accurately without concern of what changes it may produce in another's assessment of the speaker's mental state, and that is the meaning I wish to convey.

/

"Please, I won't laugh."

The significance of Yuki using such a human figure of speech to get me to be frank about what I was thinking wasn't lost on me. Of course, it occurred to me that she might not be capable of laughing, but the meaning of the words, I think, was still the same. Of course, that didn't mean I wouldn't be embarrassed to express such a half-baked idea out loud, but if she was that eager to hear it, I wouldn't deny her that.

"Well I-"

And that was when I was interrupted by a timid-sounding knock on the clubroom door, which I took to be Miss Asahina realizing that she had exited the clubroom in her maid outfit and coming back to change. Honestly, at this moment I was grateful for the interruption. It would buy me time to figure out what I was going to say so that my idea didn't sound so ridiculous. Because I felt like there must be at least some element of truth to it, unbelievable as it would seem on its face.

Getting the door, I confirmed my suspicions, as Miss Asahina appeared shamefaced and murmured something about needing to change and how she was sorry to intrude. I indicated that Yuki and I were just about to leave, prompting Yuki to rise from her seat and walk towards the door as well. Giving Miss Asahina a concerned look, I left the room with Yuki.

"What is the thought process that you did not wish to explain?" Yuki asked again. She was persistent about this.

"Well, it's a little hard to explain why I think what I think about it. It might be easier if I could tell you later when we have more time. Maybe, I don't know, at your place?" I didn't want to sound too presumptuous, but I doubted that Yuki would mind if I came over. Surely she wouldn't.

"That is acceptable," Yuki replied, her tone slightly warmer than usual despite her terse language. Which for her translates to an enthusiastic yes. This was really most prudent anyway, since we probably didn't want to be seen leaving school together, just in case anyone should be suspicious and blab to Haruhi. As we parted, I couldn't help but grab her hand and squeeze softly before letting go. Yuki looked at me with those large eyes of hers, that had seemed so cold, like liquid helium, when I first met her, but now seemed filled with warmth. Had her actual expression changed, or just my impression of it? Did it matter?

Anyway, you're probably wondering what idea I had thought of that I had thought too embarrassingly half-baked to state explicitly to anyone, even Yuki. And as I walked alone out of the cultural building and down the hill from school, I thought more about it.

For some reason, I wasn't surprised when I saw Koizumi standing at the bottom of the hill, apparently waiting for me. I wondered if it would do any good to broach the topic of my theory with Koizumi himself. Given that this was Koizumi, I couldn't really count on him to be forthright with me. As I've said before, while I trusted Yuki to be honest with me when I asked questions, and Miss Asahina was compelled by her boss, her future self, to withhold information from me, I could never be sure whether to believe what Koizumi said. So if I were to ask him about the reason for what he had said, I would have to doubt the veracity of his response as a matter of course.

"Hello," I said, somewhat coldly, "were you waiting for me?"

"You or Miss Nagato. But preferably you," Koizumi replied.

"Why's that?"

"Because I felt that I should explain myself, and you would be more likely to take significant offense at what I said before than Miss Nagato," was Koizumi's response.

I wasn't so sure of that. Of course, I'm definitely a lot more likely than Yuki to _show_ that I've taken offense, but as for actually taking offense, Koizumi wasn't really qualified to say, a fact that I pointed out to him.

"I suppose that's true," he admitted.

"In any case," I replied, as we began walking in the direction of my home, "I sort of have my own theory for why you acted the way you did. But I don't particularly like playing the amateur psychologist, and I can't be sure if you'll be honest with me if I were to ask you about it."

"I'll be as honest as I can," Koizumi replied. That response didn't really reassure me, to say the least. Still, I replied:

"Okay. First question: How high do you rank in your organization?"

A genuine emotion crossed Koizumi's face, which I identified as shock.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked, as if he hadn't heard my question clearly.

"Koizumi, you heard what I asked. How high do you rank in your organization? Are you, as you've implied before, a relatively lowly agent, or are you secretly running the whole operation behind the scenes, like Miss Asahina's boss? That rival esper that we encountered at the beginning of this school year, Kyoko Tachibana, said you were the founder and head of your organization. Is that true?"

Koizumi was silent for a few seconds, which would have been in character for Yuki, but not for him. Finally, he answered:

"There was at least some truth to Miss Tachibana's assertion. I had a pivotal role in the founding of the Organization."

"And why was that?" I asked.

"Is that really information you need?" Koizumi replied questioningly.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it's relevant to the next question I'm going to ask you. If you won't answer honestly, then there's no point in even continuing this conversation," I replied.

Koizumi actually looked conflicted for a moment. He was acting very oddly in general, come to think of it.

"It's because…I was the first to manifest our unique powers."

"You mean, the power to enter Closed Space?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "As far as I, or anyone else in the organization knows, I was the first to gain the ability to detect the formation of closed space, or to be able to enter it. But more significantly, I seem to have some abilities that even my fellow espers lack. In addition to the ability to detect and enter closed space, I am specially attuned to the changes in Miss Suzumiya's emotional state that produce instances of closed space."

"So…you can feel Haruhi's emotions?"

"That's a little bit simplistic, but yes, I can. Some in our organization refer to it as an 'empathic link', and it is part of the reason why the task of directly monitoring Miss Suzumiya fell to me."

I continued, "So, when Haruhi's happy, you're happy, right? And when she's upset, or angry, or frustrated, that reflects in your own mood."

"That's more or less correct," Koizumi replied.

"So is that why you've been acting like such a prick today?" I asked, point-blank.

Koizumi looked shocked for the second time in our conversation.

"Hmm, I certainly wouldn't characterize my actions in that way, but, to answer your question, it was definitely a contributing factor."

So my theory was at least halfway confirmed here.

"So my second question, Koizumi, is this: Do you feel a certain way about Haruhi? I guess I could ask if you fancy her, but it's more significant than that." Here I was engaging in some wild guessing. I did know that the version of Koizumi in the world Yuki created had said he fancied Haruhi. And since the way Yuki felt about me in that world apparently reflected how she felt about me in Haruhi's world, it seemed to logically follow. Still, it was an incredibly uncomfortable moment for me, asking Koizumi this question, which probably accounts for how awkwardly I asked it.

Koizumi actually seemed to share my discomfort as he responded, "That could be one interpretation of how I feel towards Miss Suzumiya, I suppose."

As far as Koizumi was concerned here, that was practically the same as a full-on confession. And, it explained what he meant when he said that he thought Yuki would understand why he was acting the way he was. She had felt a certain way about me, in his view, and had avoided doing anything about it directly (at least since that incident the December before last) to avoid what both Yuki and Koizumi considered unthinkable consequences. By the same token, evidently, Koizumi felt a certain way about Haruhi, and yet did nothing about it-but why?

"Koizumi, normally I wouldn't pry about that sort of thing, because I honestly don't want to know, but if you feel, um, that way about Haruhi, then why don't you tell her? It's not like it can hurt anything, can it?"

"Well," he responded, "It's obvious that Miss Suzumiya is interested in someone else." He said the last part knowingly, and given my long experience with his way of implying things, I took his drift easily. He continued, "Other individuals showing her unwanted interest in the past tended to make her annoyed, which of course led to the formation of closed space. Moreover, there's a possibility that if she felt negatively towards me for expressing unwanted interest, she might subconsciously sever the link that I have with her emotional state, impairing my ability to function in my current role."

"So basically, you're afraid of being rejected and Haruhi thinking negatively of you, Koizumi," I asked, just the tiniest bit amused.

"When you consider that it's Miss Suzumiya that we're talking about, it's fairly significant," Koizumi replied defensively.

"And you're so desperate for Haruhi and I to, for lack of a better term, 'get together', because you think it would make her happy, is that right?" I asked.

"That would probably be the most accurate way of putting it," Koizumi admitted.

So, if I was to believe what Koizumi said (and what I had suspected), Koizumi had more or less been trying to convince me to start dating Haruhi because he felt devoted to her, but for various reasons couldn't confess to her. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or be saddened, but since Koizumi for once seemed deadly serious, I decided it would be best not to break the mood.

"Koizumi," I said, "If you really want to be closer to Haruhi, then maybe you should pursue her, rather than trying to get me to act towards her in a way that I've told you repeatedly that I'd rather not. Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't hate Haruhi, I would almost say that we're close friends, but I don't really think of her in the way you're suggesting, and that's doubly-no, ten times-more unlikely due to recent developments. You should feel free to go after her, if that's what you want to do. And who knows? Maybe she won't respond negatively. And if it makes her, what is it, 'more stable', then everyone wins, no?" I wouldn't say this under normal circumstances. But Koizumi had just revealed a lot more about himself to me than I would have normally expected him to reveal, so these were not normal circumstances.

Koizumi looked pensive for a while before replying, "I can't exactly place my misgivings about what you and Miss Nagato are doing aside, but I can still consider what you've suggested. And in the meantime, of course, my Organization will assist you in maintaining your secrecy."

He seemed at least a little bit mollified, compared to how he was acting earlier, but I couldn't help following up, "You know, Koizumi, unlike Haruhi, I'm not one to suggest charging into important decisions without analyzing the situation first. But I might suggest in this case, that if you really like Haruhi, you shouldn't paralyze yourself with analysis. Occasionally, you have to let such things happen and see where events take you." Good grief! My own personality has become almost as discontinuous as Haruhi's personality. Still, if Koizumi thought I was being ridiculous, he didn't say, and nodded seriously in response.

After another minute or so of walking silently alongside Koizumi, I noticed a nondescript vehicle driven by none other than Mr. Arakawa motoring alongside us. Koizumi said a rather hasty goodbye and got in, looking almost shaken. Was he really that put off by anything I had said?

As I mounted my bike, I found that while my conversation with Koizumi had answered some of my questions, I couldn't be sure if I believed the answers or not. This was Koizumi, after all. Was he sincere, or just playing along? How would that serve his cause?

I put all of this out of my mind as I sat down and attempted (with some success, actually) to make progress on my math homework. I'd sort all this other stuff out later, when I had a chance to talk to Yuki.

**Author's Note: Fear not, the story lives. Illness, work, and holidays, however, conspired to contribute to a long delay in updating.**


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